My Ongoing Pilgrimage with God

2010-12-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

A Year in the Wilderness

The picture I left you with in my last post shows the setting for my current wilderness experience. If you recognize the picture, you may think that I’ve lost my marbles. The picture is of Kaneohe Bay, a large coastal bay on the windward side of Oahu. Life on a tropical island…wilderness experience…I don’t get it. Trust me I understand the disconnect.

The move to a new church on Oahu came as a complete surprise to me. If God had followed my timing, we would have stayed in Murrieta for at least one more year. We would have gotten our son through High School, gotten him off to college, consolidated into an empty nest life and then get an appointment in the Hawaii District. I had hoped, one day, to come and serve here. Over the years that we’ve travelled and vacationed here I found a great affinity for the islands, the culture and the unique ways that I experienced God while I was here. I felt a calling to be here. Now here I am…yet it is not exactly how I would have planned.

I’m here by myself. Because we didn’t want to move our son for his Senior year, Sally stayed in Murrieta with him to enable him to finish school. While several trips have been planned back and forth throughout the year, we have unlimited texting and mobile to mobile and certainly take advantage of the miracle that is Skype, its not the same as waking up each day in the same house. The blessing in this arrangement is that we must be more intentional about our time together and the ways we communicate. It has shined a light on the ways that we have taken each other for granted in our family relationship. This awareness has enabled us to claim a deeper love for and commitment to each other.

Spiritually and professionally I came here fatigued. With all that had happened personally, spiritually and professionally in the last five years I was pretty worn out. Even though I did have a sense of it, I was so caught up in the maelstrom that had become my life and ministry that I felt powerless to slow down. I needed to change my sense of self, my approach to ministry and get a better understanding of what God is calling me to do. I had travelled so far down the road I was on, I simply didn’t see how to make the changes I knew were necessary. As is always the case, God knew. I was given a choice.

The choice involved risk. The choice involved sacrifice. While this opportunity was consistent with my heart’s desire, the timing sucked. Just like the timing of going to Murrieta was not our timing, we struggled with the cost of saying “yes” to this call. Would we trust God’s hand in this or not? The short answer is: we trusted. I’m here…my family is on the mainland…God is still at work in all of it. As has been witnessed to through the history of people of faith, God has abundantly poured out grace in our lives. It hasn’t always been easy these last 6 months. Because we have been willing to trust, to listen and to faithfully walk, the trend of our lives has been toward healing, redemption and transformation.

I will continue the story in future posts, but for now, I can say unequivocally that God’s hand goes all the way to the bottom of this move. As difficult as it was to change ministry setting after 10 years and to leave the friends that had come to mean so much, I know why the time had come. I know why I’m here. I know what God is calling me to do here. More importantly, I know more fully now than at anytime previously in my life who God is calling me to be. The personal brokenness that got in the way of fulfilling that call is being healed. A new day has dawned.

2010-11-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

A Spiritual Reset

Needless to say, my pilgrimage with God was not on hiatus the last two years, even though my blog posts were. Two years ago my personal life took an unexpected turn as the relationship with my father completely disintegrated. I reached a crisis point with him as the truth about who he is became completely revealed. I made the difficult but necessary decision that I could not tolerate his toxicity in my life and my family’s life. I am reconciled to the fact that I may never see or speak with him again. There is still grief and sadness in this decision even though I am at peace with it. Through this grieving I realized that the only father I could count on was God. As I reflected on the scope of my life, I could see God at work in a whole host of ways to sustain my life and faith. There were many people in my life that served as a means of grace that prevented me from becoming the man who raised me.

Of all the parts of this saga, I had the most difficulty dealing with the truth of how much like my father I had become. I was raised by a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What this means is that my value to him was based solely on what I could do for him. I grew up in an environment where my self worth was always conditional. It was always his world and the rest of us simply lived in it. In fact, a book that was referred to me by a friend speaks volumes about my upbringing...Why Is It Always About You? This is a book written to help the families of narcissists make sense of how to live with somebody who has NPD. By the grace of God I didn’t follow that path. However, the effects of being raised in that environment couldn’t be avoided altogether. The Narcissistic Shadow was cast across my life mostly in my relationship to my family. I was far more like my father than I would have ever admitted when it came to my marriage and my parenting. The Shadow was also cast across my ministry in times of conflict. I would look to insulate myself in anyway I could rather than to face the prospect of making a decision that proved unpopular or would have put my standing within the community at risk.

It’s been a long two years. There have been a good many peaks and valleys along this path. I have had moments of clarity when I was able to choose differently, make amends and move forward. I have also had moments when I felt as though I was beating my head against the wall. I have known God’s grace in extraordinary and life giving ways. By the healing that God has poured out in my life and relationships I have been able to reclaim my life. I am continuing to peal away the layers of crap that have accumulated over the years. I have a new image of what my life and ministry will look like in the years to come.

One of the most enduring gifts that God has given me through this transition is the grace to know that my ministry has mattered, in spite of what I had come to discover about myself. As grief stricken and angry as I was with myself because of the choices I had made, I could have easily looked at the last twenty-five years as a waste, forever tainted by the stain of narcissism. I have reflected carefully over the ways that narcissism impacted my ministry in negative ways so that I might learn. I have also been able to celebrate the ways that God’s grace was at work in me and through me to make a change in people’s lives as I have led them to deeper experiences and expressions of faith. This balance has kept me on track through these last two years.

The whole story is of course more complex than a single post can afford, so I’ll need to unpack it more as time goes on, mostly because I’m still trying to get a handle on some of it. In the meantime there have been other changes along the way; the most significant one will be in my next post. Here’s a hint:

2008-10-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

Articulating My Witness
Over the course of the last six months I’ve devoted most of my time to understanding and shaping a coherent understanding of discipleship. I’ve tried to balance the interior work of the Spirit, sanctification, with the exterior work of mercy, justice and compassion. This effort has been essentially constructive, bringing together so much of my life and ministry over the last decade. While it has been a painstaking effort, it has also been quite fruitful.
One element that is essential to the life of discipleship is the active witness one disciple can make to the transforming work of the Spirit in and through a relationship with Christ. I’ve spoken of this in terms of making an authentic witness. The definition is that a person bears witness to their own story of how they experience Christ. An individual story doesn’t supplant the Gospel story; instead, it is an extension of the story. A spiritually maturing witness to what Christ is doing to bring healing, new life and hope in a person’s life can be much more effective and powerful than a witness that is given out of a written script. This witness doesn’t eschew the Scriptural witness; rather it effectively re-presents the Good News as it has been revealed in a specific person’s life.
It strikes me today that if I’m going to call my congregation to understand an articulate this sort of authentic witness in the world, I’d better be able to give them an example of how it’s done. So here goes a first draft of my witness:
I’ve spent the better portion of my life pursuing a well defined understanding of theology and scripture. It has been important for me to be able to talk about the God I’ve come to know through the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in ways that are practical, articulate and invitational. I’ve always known that God was more about opening doors to deeper understanding rather than creating obstacles. This pursuit has been more an academic pursuit and a practical pursuit than a personal pursuit. Not that I haven’t been completely divested from a personal involvement and experience of the pursuit. I’ve had throughout my life what I’d consider to be significant “spiritual experiences”. Most of these experiences were more random in nature. They were happy occurrences that came along with any variety of experiences.
What I’ve come to realize is that these experiences were anything but random occurrences. In fact they were bread crumbs along my journey. The bread crumbs led me to the Academy for Spiritual Formation that provided a framework for me to take my interior spiritual journey in a considerably more intentional way. As I have learned to be more intention in my relationship with Christ, no longer am I simply going from bread crumb to bread crumb. Through a more disciplined life of spiritual practices, I’m experiencing a deeper intimacy with God. As I’ve grown in my intimacy with God, I’ve been opened to incredible experiences of healing for hurts that I’ve struggled with most of my life. With the healing has come great trust in the promises of God that were given so completely in Christ: resurrection, eternal life and a life of discipleship. I find myself able to proclaim with a depth and confidence that is far beyond what I once could muster that Jesus is the Christ. I can say that a life lived in relationship with Christ is the pathway to life that is eternal not in quantity only but also in quality.
As Robert Frost wrote so many years ago, it may seem like the road less travelled but I can say that for me…taking that road has made all the difference.

2008-10-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Getting My Cage Rattled
I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised at this point, but I am in awe at how deftly the Holy Spirit is able to ferret out the deep seated obstacles and hurts that get in the way of God’s sanctifying grace. The last three years have been a roller coaster. I know that the Spirit has led me through the painful depths in coming to terms with the nature of my relationship with my father and over the heights of exhilaration as I’ve experienced God’s presence in ways that I wouldn’t have thought possible. Even through the ups and downs, I can say that all is trending up. Most recently in this e-ticket ride I have had to come to terms with the true nature of the narcissism that exists in my life.
I’ve shared before that part of the revelation that has come through the journey toward a perfecting spirituality is the fact that I was raised by a father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Being raised by a narcissist, my life carried the imprint and the scars of his way of engaging in relationships. By the grace of God, the love of my mother and myriad people that have loved and supported me along the way, my world view doesn’t mirror his. My view of my self was very deeply imprinted by this upbringing. As a result, I have engaged in an ongoing struggle, over the balance of my life, with the narcissistic self-view that has remained firmly rooted. In my best moments, again by grace, I’ve been able to live faithfully and sacrificially according to my faith. In spite of this, I’ve had to deal with the times and circumstances where I acted more out of self preservation.
I’ve been given this incredible gift of faith, healing, resurrection and ministry by the grace of God. I give thanks for the ways that I’ve been able to share these gifts. I lament the ways that I’ve denied this discipleship, caring more for my own well being in ways that have been deeply narcissistic.
At the risk of appearing as if this is self-flagellation, I am drawing a distinction between appropriate self-care and narcissism. There are times in all of our lives where it is important and necessary for us to retreat. These are the times that we need to recharge. From the standpoint of spiritual formation, however, retreat is not about the escape “from”. Retreat is about a movement more deeply into the heart of God that one might know healing and restoration. The narcissistic retreat is the movement into self. It is a bunkering into the indulging of one’s own needs. While the details differ from person to person and situation to situation, the narcissistic retreat is essential a juvenile (if not infantile) collapse in on one’s self.
I can say now that God has been at work for a long time to dig out around this root. This bent toward narcissistic retreat has been a need for healing for a good many years. Even though this realization has been a source of some anger and pain in recent weeks, I can see how God’s grace is at work and how healing is flowing. The final piece of this is that I have also come to terms with the fact that this essentially lifelong pattern won’t just simply evaporate. This is something that I choose to live away from as I seek to engage more and more in a perfecting spirituality. As I choose to fold this part of my life and experience into my relationship with God, I will be able to live more completely into my call and discipleship. I will be a better steward of all that God has given me.
The journey continues…

2008-09-17T15:17:00.001-07:00

Examination of Conscience
I’m finding incredible insight as I begin to lead out the work that I’ve been working through, praying about and preparing for more than six months. Inspired by the book Deepening Your Effectiveness, I’m looking more deeply at a meaningful definition of discipleship and looking more intently at how I can order the life of this congregation to better move people toward deeper experiences and expressions of God’s grace. Using the concept of “core principles” as those experiences and practices that shape our life with Christ more completely, I’m in the midst of introducing these principles and practices through worship and a companion class. This week I’m on the third of the seven principles.
The third principle is “Fully formed disciples of Jesus are committed to living incarnationally according to the example of Christ.” As a way of teaching this concept and drawing people into a deeper understanding of our life with Christ I’m using the image of the Christ of the Maryknoll and Ignatius of Loyola’s Examen. Rooted in John 1, I’m exploring with the congregation the truth of the incarnation. Out of this reclamation and deeper understanding of the incarnation, I’m seeking a deeper understanding of why incarnation matters to modern disciples and how it can be an integral part of our life of faith.
I’m being drawn into a deeper understanding of the Examen. I’ve spent time practicing the Examen; it was one of the more compelling practices that I learned through the Two Year Academy. At the risk of being too hard on myself, my recollection of how I approached the Examen was more from the standpoint of a self-guided tour. I know that I did it prayerfully. I did try and explore the deeper and more difficult elements of my life and practice. At the end, it was still self-led. I’m coming to understand that the Examen needs to be different. It needs to be Christ led.
This is a challenging concept. It could be difficult to do a true self-led Examen, but it could smack of masochism. Alternately, it would be all too easy to gloss over important things that we would need to deal with. However, to give the reins of the journey over to Christ, to have a Christ-led Examen is all together different. It is truly an exercise in living without a net when we let Christ guide us through the reflection of our day, our action (inaction) and our faithfulness. Yet this is absolutely vital to growing into a deeper relationship with Christ. The truly Christ-led Examen is made possible through incarnation.
Incarnation is the expression of faith that bears witness to the depth to which God is present in Christ. When John speaks of the Word became flesh and dwelled among us, he bears witness to a depth and intimacy of God’s presence in Christ. When through faith Christ abides with us and we with Christ, we have before us the possibility of an indwelling experience with Christ that approximates incarnation. When we engage in a Christ-led Examen, Christ leads not from outside us, but from ever more deeply within.
As we engage in the Examen the door is opened to the experience of God’s transforming grace from the inside out. As I have sought to live more deeply into my faith and relationship with Christ, I’ve come to realize that there are stubborn, persistent and deep seated attitudes that are getting in the way of what I seek. What God is revealing to me is that the answers and the healing I seek lay in the practice of the Examen. So, tonight I reenter into the Examen. This time…I let Christ take the wheel.

2008-09-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

Connecting the Dots

Over the course of the many months that I’ve shared my pilgrimage with God, I’ve shared about the troubled relationship with my father. I’ve talked about the pain of that broken relationship. I’ve talked about how the imprint of that relationship has impacted my life and ministry. I’ve been thinking about all of this in a slightly different context given what I’m doing currently to lead my congregation into a deeper and broader discipleship. The path that I’m currently following in leadership is one that encourages this community of faith into a deeper and more intentional relationship and experience of the risen Christ in their life. Through this relationship and a deeper desire to live as a disciple of Christ my hope and prayer is that this community of faith will explore and practice incredibly profound ways of expressing that grace in ministry in the world and community.

I’ve come to understand that one of the major obstacles that are part of the journey to a deeper relationship and discipleship is the legacy of pain, brokenness and hurt that is part of the human experience. I’ve come to understand in my own life that for a long time there were hurts that I sought to avoid and even hide (as if that was truly possible) from God. I think about this in terms of that closet that we all have (literally and figuratively). This is the closet that we pour the garbage and junk that we don’t want to deal with, but can’t bring ourselves to take to the curb of our life so that it goes out with the trash. The result of filling this closet is that we created a space that we very easily want to hold back. Out of pain, embarrassment, fear, or some other reaction we hold back this part of our life. Any part of our life that we want to hold back and keep from God becomes an obstacle to experiencing God as deeply as possible.

I found that I was following this course with regard to the pain around my relationship with my father. I was holding back. I was not seeking the healing and grace that God all too freely offered. Partly because I was unaware of just how deep it ran, partly because I was embarrassed because of how I felt. In some respects I thought that to admit failure in the relationship would be to admit failure…period. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As a result of not being completely and radically open to God’s presence and grace to heal, I found myself challenged to serve and grow deeper with Christ’s call and claim on my life.

Over the course of these last two years, the healing has been slow; at times it was more in fits and starts. This is more about my unevenness in seeking God’s healing than about unevenness in God. As the healing has taken hold and the scars diminished, I have found a deeper passion and experience that seems to be oozing out of every pore of my life and ministry. I’ve come to understand more deeply Paul’s characterization in 2 Corinthians of having this incredible treasure of God’s grace in clay jars. God’s great power seen in Christ’s resurrection doesn’t remove our vulnerability. Our human lives are just as frail as always. However, by God’s grace that vulnerability and frailty is still capable of carrying the extraordinary power of resurrection and eternal life.

I know that this is not the last deeply seated hurt that I will have to deal with. I’m all too aware that this is not the last obstacle that I’ll have to surmount. However, this experience has been instructive and life-giving. It has opened the path of discipleship more widely than before, and into this wider path I feel even more deeply drawn.

2008-08-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

Principles and Practices for Discipleship

Fully formed disciples of Jesus are committed to…

an active and growing relationship with the risen Christ.

Our relationship with Christ is the means by which we grow in our understanding of God’s freely-given, unmerited grace. The spiritual discipline of practicing the presence of Christ helps nurture this relationship through the developing a continual openness and awareness of Christ’s presence in our life

openness to God’s healing, transforming and life-giving grace.

God’s grace comes to us to bring the healing of our hurts and brokenness even before we know God. Practicing a radical openness to that grace brings the healing that enables us to live the new life promised in Christ. The spiritual practice of inner healing prayer opens us to the stream of God’s healing grace.

living incarnationally according to the example of Christ.

The Incarnation is the foundation of how God reveals God’s self in Jesus. Incarnation is the principle by which we embody God’s love to others. The spiritual discipline of examen opens us to the deeper awareness of how Christ is at work in our life. It helps us reflect on and grow beyond the practices that are obstacles to a fuller life with Christ.

the disciplined practice of spiritual formation.

By engaging in spiritual practices (prayer, study, worship, fasting, service, etc.) as a means of grace, the Holy Spirit heightens our sensitivity to experiencing God’s grace. The spiritual practice of contemplation wakes us up to the presence of Christ and the movement of the Holy Spirit that is continually at work in our life.

living a shared commitment to a life of discipleship within the Body of Christ.

The life of the Christian is not simply to be a disciple but to be committed to making disciples within the context of relationship and mutual journey. More than simply hanging out with a group of people, the spiritual discipline of community is the expression and reflection of our experience of Christ’s self giving presence invested in the common journey with other Christians.

share the story of God’s grace as we experience it in our relationship with Christ.

As we experience more deeply the power of God’s gift of new life in Christ, the Holy Spirit empowers us to share that grace through our life. The spiritual discipline that supports this sharing is witness. This means modeling and telling others of the difference that our relationship with Christ has made in our life.

living Christ’s incarnational love in the world.

Our commitment to Christ compels us to follow Christ’s example of incarnational and unconditional love lived with all persons, especially the poor, the broken and the marginalized. The spiritual practice of stewardship is the voluntary and generous offering of God’s gifts given to us for the benefit of others. Stewardship is the holistic sharing of our prayers, presence gifts and service for the sake of the Kingdom.

2008-08-06T13:29:00.001-07:00

Going a Little Deeper

It would seem that I’m still caught up in the image of Jacob wrestling with God. The image is compelling. The image of the creature struggling with the Creator is the stuff of Greek tragedy and modern cinema. There is something very primal about it. Perhaps this is why we aren’t really that good at wrestling with God for any great length of time. It’s a struggle that we can’t win. It will take us to places that are totally beyond ourselves. It will take us to depths of self that we simply aren’t comfortable plumbing. At the risk of sounding indelicate…oh well…

To be faithful in our calling in Christ, the wrestling is not only inevitable it is essential. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve conceived of this necessity in the context of dealing with those things in our life, in our choices, in our attitudes and perspectives that run contrary to the Reign of God as revealed in Christ. If there are things that we harbor that run in opposition to God’s purpose of compassion, mercy, reconciliation, redemption and justice then we need to remove these from our life. If we are to say yes to God we must say no to our jealous, arrogant, self-seeking, self-preserving, fence building, and violent ways. These habits and choices simply can not coexist with God in our life of faith.

I’ve been thinking and reflecting on these truths at greater depth in the last few weeks. To say that we must work to remove those things we harbor and protect but are obstacles to a deeper life with God is clear and straightforward. Yet, to simply label them as cancerous tumors that must be poisoned, zapped or cut out because they are “evil” leaves us in a very precarious position. If our focus becomes singularly directed toward “rubbing out the spot” we can find ourselves caught in an endless loop. Think of the image of a dog chasing its tail. Round and round you go…pursuing an illusive target and yet never quite catching it. If you do manage to catch it, it isn’t quite as satisfying as you thought it would be.

If our focus is only turned inward, that is, on what is wrong with us and what our deficiencies are, we loose two pieces of the puzzle that are vital. First, our choices can’t be looked as inherently evil (even though that is an easy argument to make for some of them); they are not problematic because of some deficiency on our part. They are problematic because they are in opposition to God and it is on this basis alone that they are judged. Therefore, it is only as we wrestle with these things in relation to God’s purpose revealed in Christ that we are able to move beyond merely cutting out a cancer and move toward experiencing the healing and wholeness that only God can bring. This brings us to the second piece of the puzzle. God’s purpose is not simply the eradication of sin and the things that would stand between us and God. God seeks restoration and redemption. Get rid of the obstacles, yes; but also experience the promise and power of a new life together with God for all eternity.

This new life is marked by who we are in the essence of our identity and association and what we do and how we live as a consequence of that identity. This is the epic struggle. It is the stuff of legend and myth. It is a wrestling match of cosmic proportions. But if we let that get in the way of going the distance with God the fullness of God’s grace, healing and new life will elude us. I know, it doesn’t seem like much of a choice…but I can say from personal experience that when the dawn breaks after one of these all night matches, God does bless us with a deeper experience of life and grace. Even if the next round in the match turns out to be right around the corner, God will go the distance with us if we are willing to go the distance with God.

2008-07-30T14:37:00.001-07:00

Getting Past Being Busy

One of the greatest obstacles to effective discipleship is the nearly constant obsession to be busy and to do the “church” thing. I think we can thank the Protestant Work Ethic for that. Wikipedia defines the Ethic as follows: “a Calvinist value emphasizing the necessity of constant labor in a person's calling as a sign of personal salvation”. The problem is that the ethic has morphed into a cultural of busy-ness in which we get so caught up in doing church that we forget to be the church. We forget that we were redeemed not for a life of being worker ants scurrying about. We were redeemed to be in a meaningful, life-giving relationship with God and with one another within the Body of Christ. This is a relationship that then spills out of us into all our relationships and work in the world.

I’ve been struggling with this disconnect between doing church and being the church for many years. I’m one of those people who like to be busy. I like to be doing things. I like to be productive. Unfortunately I’ve also thought that it was important for me to be able to demonstrate to other people that I am productive…as if this was the only way to prove my worth and earn people’s respect (there is a long story behind this). As my spirituality has developed over these last few years I’ve learned the difference between doing church and being the church. I’ve learned the difference between being a worker in the Kingdom and being a disciple of Christ. As counter-intuitive as it may sound, an obsession with doing things (a-la the Protestant Work Ethic) can, and often does, get in the way of our relationship with Christ and our response to Him in a life of discipleship.

The last few months for me have been one of those very frenetic times; it’s been more about getting things done and trying to meet deadlines than nurturing my relationship with God and deepening my response to God’s grace. As I have prepared for worship this week (Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32) I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about the things that I continue to wrestle with God over. I think about woundedness, choices, behaviors, anxieties and fears that don’t serve me well in my relationship with God. I also recognize, like Jacob, that were it not for God’s call and claim on my life, and my willingness to answer God, that none of this would be an issue. However, since I desire to say “yes” to God I must also say “no” to things that aren’t God; hence the struggle.

I can’t overcome this struggle or sanctify these sins by trying to prove my salvation in the work that I do, even if it is “church” stuff. It is only God’s grace that brings this healing and it is only in my willingness through living into a perfecting spirituality that I am immersed in this healing and wholeness. It is only when I, as a primary act, open myself to the relationship and experience of God that I will know this experience. In this, I am moved by the words of Carlo Carretto who writes in his Letters to Docidia: 1954-1983, ”At a certain point it occurred to me that what the Church lacked was not work, activity, the building of projects or a commitment to bring in souls. What was missing, or at least scarce, was the element of prayer, meditation, self-giving, intimacy with God, fidelity to the Holy Spirit and the conviction that [Christ] was the real builder of the Church.” As I write this, I’m reflecting on Jesus’ comment to the disciples, “you will always have the poor with you” and I think it finally makes sense.

Without a deepening relationship with Christ helping the poor is merely charity. It is only through our perfecting, healing, empowering relationship with Christ that our work with the poor becomes discipleship. It is only then that it becomes peacemaking.

2008-07-23T16:14:00.001-07:00

Going for a Swim

As you can probably tell, water is an important spiritual image for me. Over my lifetime I’ve had many experiences of God’s grace and presence that could best be described as immersion experiences. My deep affinity for the Hawaiian Islands is rooted in this experience. Being on the islands is very much an immersion experience for me. With such a deep love of Baptismal imagery it should come as a surprise that another image came to mind as I was preparing for worship this week.

I’m looking at the end of the 8^th Chapter of Romans and have been chewing on a well known passage…v28: “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to God’s purpose.” I’m struck again by that notion of God’s purpose and the relentless nature of God’s redemptive purpose in the world. I’m struck again by how God’s purpose might be delayed as a result of the vagaries of the human experience, but that it can never be ultimately subverted. This truth is like the North Star. It is a bedrock truth by which we can anchor our life. This truth is more than a port in the storms of life. It is a truth around which we can shape and order our life.

In my own life I’m growing in my experience of the great stream that is God’s redemptive work in the world. That relentless redemptive work of God flows inexorably through creation, whether we see it or even believe it; it is there. When we make the conscious effort to step into the stream of God’s redemptive purpose in creation, we experience that grace in very different ways. When we step into the stream, we are enveloped by the water. It acts on us. It affects us. When we step into the stream we experience the water in ways that are impossible if we observe the water only from the safety of the dry river bank. We are unable to know the true nature of the stream until we step into it and feel its effects directly.

The same is true about the movement of God’s grace. It’s one thing to read about God’s mighty acts of salvation. It’s one thing to read about creation. It’s one thing to read the Gospel and hear of Christ’s life. Simply reading these words may take us to the river bank and get us within sight of the stream. However, if we are to truly experience and understand the nature and power of the promise contained in the words, we need to get off the bank and get into the stream of God’s work.

When we read Scripture, we need to read it with a heart that wants to see God and expects to see God at work in our life. When we pray, we need to want and expect to hear God walking through the garden of our life. When we extend ourselves to serve the needs of creation and the human community we need to both carry Christ with us and expect to find Christ in the people whom we serve. When we come to the Table we need to come not with the desire to recollect an experience that is relegated to history; we need to come to Christ’s Table expecting to encounter our host. The more we open ourselves to these experiences, the more we will know and the more we will experience the transformation that is part of the stream of God’s redemptive work in creation.

2008-07-16T15:20:00.001-07:00

Making Room for Grace to Work

In the realm of Christian Spirituality, the importance of living lives that make room for the grace of God to be at work in us and through us is a cornerstone of living into a perfecting spirituality. My experiences through the Academy reshaped my thinking on this topic and gave me experiences that solidified this truth. Making room for the grace of God to be at work is an active endeavor. It is worked out in our relationships, in our view of the world and especially it is seen in our relationships and encounters with our enemies and with people at the fringes. Two weeks ago I received an amazing experience of the power that is unleashed when a community of people of faith work intentionally to make room for grace to work in them and in their midst.

My week on Sierra Service Project was a truly extraordinary week. I’ve had good weeks before, but never before have I witnessed the level of intentionality in reflecting God’s love as I did in this group of youth and their counselors. Acts of love, mercy and grace were breaking out all over the place. It was amazing. One particular story bears noting.

Early on in the week, I’d heard one of the counselors talking about a person from their group who is autistic. This got my attention because I’d never encountered an autistic youth on SSP. Yet as I surveyed the group, I couldn’t find the person in question. My curiosity faded and I soon forgot to be on the look out for this youth. In fact, I’d forgotten all about it until the final night. Sierra Service Project has a tradition on the last night where a candle is passed around and each participant is given the opportunity to share a word about what the experience has meant to them. About three quarters of the way around the circle, one of the youth took hold of the candle and began to share about the experience and in an instant it was clear that this was the autistic youth…not because of any self-revelation, but their mannerisms made it apparent. This youth spoke of the torment that had been unleashed by their peer group at school and how difficult it made their life. It broke my heart to hear the story but it wasn’t long before my heart was healed by the gratitude that this youth expressed for having been loved and accepted in this community in spite of this obvious difference. I was touched by the privilege of being part of a community that showed this young person a life changing level of love and acceptance. I had spoken with this youth a number of times during the week, with no hint of the autism; which made the whole experience even more fantastic.

This group of youth made room for God’s grace to be at work in them and through them. They loved, accepted and forgave each other (even though it wasn’t always easy). They had patience with one another, even the ones who were less mature, less focused and less easy to relate to. We had our moments of drama through the week, but in the end, God’s Spirit breathed a new and fresh wind into the lives of all these kids. It was all made possible because we were all willing, in one way, shape or form, according to our own experience, to make room for God in our community. It didn’t just happen. It was a conscious choice.

May this be our choice everyday, in every experience.

2008-07-03T17:52:00.001-07:00

SSP Work Days 3 & 4

Since yesterday was our traditional half day of work and we went to a water venue, I’ll post two days worth of work in one shot.

The work amongst the different teams that our kids are on has been somewhat uneven. This is the first week of the summer for the Site Staff and they are trying to work out logistical kinks with their suppliers. The consequence of this is that some work sites don’t have enough supplies to do work consistently. The staff has worked hard and creatively to overcome this. It has been amazing the way that our kids have both gelled as a group and also made friends with the kids from the other churches. Sooner or later the kids cross the group boundaries to the extent that it is difficult to tell which kids are from which group. This incredible event happened by Tuesday night (which is very early)

The work day yesterday went well. Since it is a half day, the kids usually push hard to get as much done as possible. The water venue was a campground along Grizzly Creek. It was one of the most beautiful Wednesday settings we’ve ever had. The campground is nestled within a redwood forest. The creek was clean. The air was fresh. The air was warm. This picture is taken around an enormous Sequoia tree. It took the whole group to circle it.

Rylie enjoyed the way that her team has worked together. She was glad that no one really sat around while others worked.

Logan is building a fence and putting in concrete landing pads at the bottom of the stairs. The best part of his day was the “spiritual sandwich”. This is a new wrinkle for the daily program. Our Spiritual Life Coordinator has given each group a discussion topic for the day. Today’s topic was places and experiences in which we’ve seen God. This was the favorite part of Logan’s day.

Janessa was part of the only team that was painting this week. She was up on the roof painting in the gables. For a girl that enjoys the roof, this was great work for her.

Steve’s group is one of the groups that have had a difficult time getting all the supplies that they’ve needed. He and his co-leader have done a great job with keeping their group together through the lulls. Today that experienced the time honored SSP tradition of the FRED. FREDs are times during the work week when staff come around to the work sites to give time and space to explore what they’re experiencing on the Reservation. These can be wonderful times for a team. This was the favorite part of Steve’s day today.

Bonnie has been doing stairs all week. Today they poured the remaining concrete pads and post holes. She has enjoyed her first SSP in a really big way.

I’m so proud of this group of youth. The ones who have never been to SSP love their first experience. The ones who have been before have shown a great deal of growth and maturity from last year. This week is having an extraordinary impact on all of our kids. They are growing in faith and service.

2008-06-30T20:57:00.001-07:00

SSP 2008 Work Day 1

It’s been a truly spectacular SSP day…which means no one was on the roof…no one got hurt and it wasn’t 100 degrees. The Table Bluff Reservation where we are serving this year is located on a bluff overlooking Humboldt Bay and it is a truly beautiful site. It is a small reservation on which 8 of the 9 work sites are within site of each other. The ninth site is a few miles up the road in Arcata. We find ourselves doing a lot of handicap ramps this year, which means today there was a lot of digging and tomorrow there will be a lot of concrete being mixed. Wednesday will see a lot of nails driven and probably a few black and blue thumbs.

We are here this year with the Loomis UMC, the Campbell UMC and the Lafayette UMC. This is a great bunch of campers and counselors and we are really meshing well at this point.

Back to the weather…I don’t think it got above 65 all day and the sun didn’t come out until about 1:30 pm. It doesn’t seem like its going to be out for much longer.

There is an extraordinary thing happening this year. The Wiyot people (that’s pronounced WEE’ yot) are cooking us both breakfast and lunch. In 17 years of SSP this has never happened. I’m completely blown away by this gesture.

Now a few kid moments. This was Rachel’s first time on the trip and she is on one of the teams that are doing ramps. When I talked to her today about how it went and what the favorite part of her work day was she talked about how great it was that everyone on her team was pitching in. There was no one on her team that just sat around while others worked. I’m very glad that she had a good first day. For Alex, also a first timer, the demolition that needed to happen before the ramp construction begins was the favorite part of his day.

It’s almost time for evening program, so I’ll cut this short…you can be very proud of this SSP work team. Under Mandy’s leadership the leadership and spiritual maturity of our youth is making a difference in this community. It is a blessing and privilege to share this time with a group of kids that are eager to grow in their discipleship and in their relationship with God through helping other people. While I know that my being here puts a great deal of strain others who pick up my load when I am gone, please know my heartfelt gratitude for all that you do to make it possible for me to be part of this spiritual journey with our youth just as I continue to be challenged in my own.

Until tomorrow…

2008-06-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

SSP 2008 Day 2
Yosemite National Park

This was a beautiful day with perfect hiking conditions. We had the largest group ever take the hike…20 people!! Of the 20 who started, 13 made it to the cables, also a record. For those of you who know the hike, it is challenging and even though we were somewhat slowed in coming down the hill we all made it down safe and sound. We really missed you Becca!!!! Love and kisses from all of us.

SSP 2008 Day 3

Our travel day to McKinleyville proved to be quite eventful. Our path to McKinleyville was closed due to the fires that are scattered throughout the forests of Northern California. Steve Gould was working to get me up to visit with Donna Brantly so that we could plan Jim’s Memorial Service and due to the road closures it would have been impossible to see her without missing my flight. The Spirit created a strong pull to be with Donna which necessitated me missing my short trip home to be in worship for Pastor Cathy’s last day. It was with great sadness that I missed that event, but the time spent with Donna proved to be more important than I could have possibly imagined.
Enough about me. It was a long day of traveling for the team, but they made it to McKinleyville and were greeted warmly by Donna’s daughter and son in law. We had stacks of tasty pizza, soda and desserts. It was a wonderful and relaxing place to chat, play games and unwind from the road.
We bedded down for the night in the non-profit Karate dojo that is connected to the Church of the Divine Healer UMC. This is where Donna has been attending these last months with her family. The church was very warm and generous in their hospitality and welcome of us. It was a great place to spend the night and worship the next day.

SSP 2008 Day 4

Sunday was kind of a slow day. We started with Church and while I visited more with Donna and her family the rest of the team went to the movies (Wall-e)…a great time was had by all. After a short drive of 30 minutes we arrived on site and the grand adventure of work began.

2008-06-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

SSP Log 2008

Parallel to my regular postings for the next few days I’ll give daily updates about the MUMC Youth Trip to the Sierra Service Project. This year we’re serving the Wiyot people who live just south of Eureka, Ca, near the town of Loleta. This will be my second Project trip to Loleta and I look forward to cooler temperatures and ocean breezes.

Over these next several days I’ll share the events of the day, including pictures. You’ll hear of the different ways in their own words, some of the ways that the youth and other adults are experiencing SSP.

For those unfamiliar with SSP…Sierra Service Project is a non-profit group that runs a serious of one week work camps, in five different locations. These work camps are for Senior High youth and their counselors. The work involves housing rehabilitation and weatherization for Native Americans who live on various reservations in California, Arizona, Nevada and Oregon. More than simply doing work, this experience provides the context for the youth and counselors to explore Christ’s call to service through discipleship in a real world context in a culture setting that is different from our own. This is my 17^th week at SSP since 1989 (the year I graduated from seminary); needless to say the experience is very near and dear to my heart.

Now, on with our story…

With the Staypuft Marshmallow Van in the lead we head north through desert, the mountains and the valley. Our destination for day one is Indian Flat Campground just outside the west gate of Yosemite National Park. This has been a regular haunt for many years now. At about 20 minutes from Yosemite Village, it is a perfect place to stay. Tomorrow, the intrepid among us will head for the trailhead at Curry Village to begin our pilgrimage to the top of Half Dome, hopefully the weather will cooperate and we’ll enjoy the view from the top. Pictures from this trek as well as other pictures of the day will be posted on Saturday as I’ll have no internet connection available on Friday.

Before I loose signal, I’m going to end this note and post it. Until Saturday…

2008-06-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

Trust Is a Funny Thing

I had an epiphany a few days ago. At the very least it was a mixed bag. I’d been stressed out over a variety of things in life and ministry and the compounding of these various stresses was working toward leaving me feeling increasingly isolated. In this growing isolation fear was beginning to dictate my action, or lack thereof. The epiphany came within the context of a meeting with my Stewardship leader. We were discussing a plan to encourage our congregation in giving and ministry in the current economic climate. It came to me as bolt from the blue…I wasn’t truly trusting God’s grace and providence nor did I really trust the congregation.

On the one hand it was a breath of fresh air blowing freely into the choking and stagnant fear that was sapping me of energy and passion. The fear had become a burden on my spirit that had grown gradually and imperceptibly. It had become a burden that I didn’t fully fathom until it was lifted from me. With the lifting of the burden came a flood of emotions…it brought me to tears and to my knees. The pathway that I’m called to follow is a pathway of trust over fear. I was reminded that I can trust God and I can trust this congregation. In so many things over the last eight years this congregation has given me abundant experiences that should have bolstered my trust…but instead I doubted.

There in lies the downside of the epiphany. I felt deeply convicted in the lack of trust. It would be all too easy to be intemperate with myself in this. As it has always been in matters such as this, God’s grace was sufficient to not only bring me back, but heal the guilt of having forgotten such a fundamental truth. I’m not sure if this is a sign of cynicism or spiritual maturity, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this won’t be the last time that I’ll need to have this epiphany. Such is life. Though I may very likely loose the grip on what I know now, in this moment I trust God, to always bring me back.

This trust has now broadened my platform for moving forward and answering Christ’s call and claim on me. It feels very much life a reaffirmation of my baptism. I have been immersed in God’s providential healing and grace, dying to the fear that sought to burden me and being raised to a new life of strength and courage. This is simply one more reminder that new life is always breaking out all around us if we would have the eyes to see and hearts open to the promise.

2008-06-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Synchronous Experience

As I have been pondering Paul’s writing about baptism in Romans 6 there have been some incredibly powerful images that have been coming to mind. While I haven’t before thought thoroughly through Paul’s conception of being buried with Christ and being raised with Christ I have had some unspoken and unreflective assumptions. The sense of it that I was most comfortable with was the notion of being alongside Christ. The language that best describes this is “the journey with Christ”, a phrase I’ve used a lot. My unreflective, default belief is best described as proximity. Being with Christ was simply a matter of being close to Christ; and with a disciplined spirituality seeking to be as close as possible. A closer study of Romans 6 has drawn me to a new conception. When I got there, I’ve found that this new conception was already a reality that I have been living into over these last two years. I simply lacked an image that matched experience

When Paul speaks of being buried and resurrected with Christ this is not simply a proximity-based reality. Paul is speaking of a reality that is more like incorporation or even co-mingling. In our baptism, Paul points to a transformation of life, identity and perspective that is rendered at the very core of a person. This transformation is affected by God’s grace in and through the life, death and resurrection of Christ.

As I reflect on these words and my own growing experience, I am persuaded of the strength and power of this idea. Through living a more disciplined spiritual life I’m discovering a new heart and a new strength for living, loving and serving. This new strength is rooted in a deeper experience and understanding of how Christ is at work in my life. My relationship with Jesus is no longer a proximity experience. Christ’s life is becoming more alive in me and my experience is becoming more alive in Christ. I’m finding great vitality and joy in a synchronous experience with Christ.

2008-05-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

Coming to My Senses

In the last few weeks I’ve become consumed with a great many worries. Some of these worries we carry together…unrelenting war, the deepening of poverty in our country and world, a mortgage and credit crisis that is pinching many families, the costs of food and energy, a spiritual malaise that deprives us of the life and dignity that God intends for us all. I also carry the concern for how best to answer God’s claim on my life as I work to lead this community of faith forward in discerning God’s preferred future for our congregation. On top of all of this, Sally and I are preparing to send a daughter to college in an uncertain world where the costs of such an education continue to rise. I have been consumed. In the last couple of days, I’ve come to my senses and realized that I’ve been wandering in the wilderness in this worry.

It is so easy to get here. We start out with giving these worries, needs and concerns to God. We know that giving these things to God is something that God welcomes. We know that worrying about such things very often gets in our way with a deepening relationship with God. Pretty soon after we stop giving these worries, needs and concerns to God our focus turns inward and we lose sight of God. It’s very much like a trip to the store with young children. We make sure that the child knows that it is important that he/she pay attention to us and not get separated. How many times does the child get distracted by something of interest, look away and then realize that they’ve lost sight of you. How easy it is for us to get distracted by the many things that weigh on us and then lose sight of God’s movement in our life.

That moment of coming to our senses can be a difficult moment. It can be a moment of panic. It can be a moment of confusion. It can be a moment of paralysis as we don’t know where next to go or how to find our way back to God and back to the path. “Now what?” I think we can take a lesson from the National Park Service. When lost in the wilderness, the rangers will remind people to not go wandering. Searchers have a better chance of finding you if you stay put. Spiritually speaking this is what the Psalmist proclaims in the 40^th Psalm when he writes: “I waited patiently for the Lord, in time God hear my cry. He lifted my feet upon the rock out of the miry bog.” When I came to my senses and realized where I was, I simply waited for and looked for God in the silence of my wilderness. As I began to relinquish the death grip on the things that worried and distracted me, I felt the refreshing and life giving movement of the Holy Spirit. God came to me to renew me, take me by the hand and raise my feet upon the rock.

In a world where there is a lot to worry about…In a world that is looking less and less like we’re used to seeing it, it is easy to be consumed by our own needs, worries and fears. Even when we grow in our discipleship, trust and relationship with God we will never completely outgrow our distractability. The grace and the good news is that even when we are so distracted, God is never absent from us. God will and does continue to sustain us even though we may not realize it at the time. When we come to our senses and engage the trust to wait for the Lord, to look for the Lord who is present, God will indeed always raise our feet upon the rock.

Our life, our world and our future is in God’s hands. This doesn’t mean there won’t be trials. This doesn’t mean that we won’t face adversity. The path to the life that God has in mind for us means that we continue to walk through an uncertain world. Because of what God has shown us in the cross and resurrection of Christ we can walk through this uncertain world in faith and trust. When we pledge our self to this path, God, by His grace, will always encourage and strengthen us to walk this path.

2008-05-10T20:51:00.001-07:00

Pentecost Has New Meaning

The incredible blessings that I received yesterday yielded some unexpected results today. As we came to the house today there was a spirit of strength that washed over me. Experiencing with such depth and power the reason that we were all in Mississippi doing the work that we were doing brought with it a power that overcame a very slow morning. Let’s just say that the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. We’ve been working pretty hard and after a very rich meal last night (our team went to a local restaurant) I was really slow getting moving. When we got to the house all of that changed.

We had a larger crew this morning. Because of the amount of work and the urgency to get this house online, we brought in additional people from our larger crew. Dave, our team leader, did a stellar job moving us around the house to maximize our work. I finished framing a doorway in the upstairs hallway. This was a project that I had begun yesterday and ran out of material to finish. It didn’t take long to finish the job, and then I got to work with my colleague from the San Dieguito church on hanging drywall. We split up the work and went after it. Even though there was a pretty strong wind outside, the temperature was warming up and the southerly wind was pumping humidity into the region. The upstairs got warmer and warmer. As warm as it was, I was completely undeterred. I was extraordinarily energized to continue the work. I realized that each nail pounded, each piece of drywall hung got the house one step closer to occupy. Each piece of the project we completed in this house moved the Gulfside Assembly one step closer to being rebuilt that it might continue its vital ministry on the Gulf Coast.

This energizing had only one source. I know that it was the work of the Holy Spirit in me and through me that moved me and motivated me. The way I felt this morning when I woke up, the Spirit’s power is the only thing that could motivate me. Through the course of the afternoon as I began the journey home, I began to experience the realization that I have experienced a new and deeper lesson of Pentecost. I came to Mississippi looking for Jesus. I was totally open to experiencing the power and presence of Christ in a new way in my life. I had no idea what this new experience would look like, but that didn’t deter me. I sought to be open, aware and prayerful. I sought to be faithful to the mission that I was called to do in Mississippi. In this, Christ revealed himself to me in the work, through my teammates and through the people of the Mississippi Gulf Coast.

The Pentecost experience and the power of the Holy Spirit are about God’s work of claiming and empowering ordinary people who seek to be faithful to their calling in Christ to do extraordinary things in the world. The Spirit can, and does work independently of us, but like on the day of Pentecost when Peter and the others, through faith and trust in Christ opened themselves up to the Spirit’s movement, the world was never again the same. I experienced that power in Mississippi this week and I look forward to sharing that experiencing and looking for that experience in Murrieta.

Come Holy Spirit, Come!!!

From the skies over northern Alabama, May 8, 2008, 10:35 pm.

2008-05-07T19:36:00.001-07:00

What it’s All About

Today was an extraordinary blessing. It was unexpected, as so many blessings are. I began my day back at Robert’s house and spent some time sanding and looking over the drywall mudding we did yesterday. Our crew had heard that a move was coming. There was another house that needed some immediate work. Mid-morning our crew leader came back, loaded us and took us to a home that was being rebuilt from sticks. It was part of a neighborhood that had been inundated with water and silt from a the storm surge and a nearby flooded river. This job would consist of a large drywall job and some other carpentry projects to move it forward to get it habitable. We arrived at the house and dove right in. There we met Tony who was on-site as something of a foreman.

We didn’t get a chance to talk with Tony at any great length in the morning because we had to get on the job. However, he joined us for lunch and shared his story. He talked about his life before and after Katrina. He talked about the devastation and explained more of what we were seeing around us. Some of the pictures that I have show trees that are little more than sticks, waiting for the next storm to blow them over. Tony explained that the force of the wind picked up saltwater from the Gulf and not only stripped the vegetation clean, but also sandblasted the trunks. Tony shared stories of how the insurance companies wanted to raise rates 400% immediately after the storm. The state stepped in and limited their increase to 99%.

The most beautiful thing that he shared with us from his story occurred after the storm. A few days after the storm he and his wife were driving back from Birmingham and stopped at a gas station to fill up (how they came to that station is another story altogether). While at the gas station they were talking with a woman whom they just met. This woman and her family had two homes, one in town, and one out in the country. This woman offered Tony and his wife, whom she’d just met, the use of her country home for as long as they needed it. A complete stranger offers shelter to this family in need…as I type this story I can hear the words of Jesus echo throughout my spirit – whenever you do this to the least of these members of my family you do it unto me. The Spirit of Christ is indeed moving powerfully in this world.

What made this day extraordinarily special was what came at the end of the day. We ended our day a little early because we had a celebration to go to. One of UMCOR’s clients was able to move back into his home. I’ve been to many housing blessings in my ministry and this is always a great privilege. Today as I stood with all the people working out of Gulfside this week, placing my hand on that home and asking God’s blessings I could feel the Spirit moving in our midst. This is what it’s all about: One family at a time getting people back into their homes. Over 100 volunteers worked on that home taking it from sticks to what it is today. The owner was so grateful and he knew and bore witness to the fact that it was the Spirit of Christ that made it all possible. This experience makes this week all worthwhile. Through the course of the day, I had three different people say to me that they didn’t know how they’d get by and reclaim their homes without the church’s help and the work of the volunteers. That is why I am in Mississippi this spring. That is why we will take a large contingent from Murrieta UMC and return to continue to serve.

The final blessing of the day came when I discovered who would be living in the house we were moved to today. When I met Wilma at the end of the day, I assumed she would be living there. Later I found out that the home was being prepared for the new Director of Gulfside Assembly, the camp where we are staying and staging from. This Camp, with this incredible history, which was so utterly devastated and chose first to serve rather than be served, is about to be rebuilt so that it may continue its camping and retreat ministry. The new Director is tasked with making that happen. I feel incredibly blessed and privileged to care for and support the life and ministry of this person.

From Waveland, MS, May 7, 2008, 9:26 pm.

2008-05-06T20:30:00.001-07:00

Do Crawfish Really Migrate?

The week is settling into a pretty busy routine. Today was a full and hard day of work. The house I moved to yesterday afternoon was the site of today’s work…a day full of drywall, mudding and taping. I actually learned something useful. The owner of the home constantly amazes me at his drive to reclaim his life and his home. I feel a little convicted about how easy it is for me to do things other than invest time and effort in my home.

The question posed in the title of this blog is a little frivolous but it is born out of the unique character of this part of the world. As we were driving home from our sight yesterday we noticed several houses that had these curious mud mounds in their yards. No one in the van knew what they were so we had several speculations. Some thought they might be some sort of bird that nested in the ground. Some thought that they might be wasp nests in the ground. Still others thought that they might be anthills…after all, this is fire ant country. There were no conclusions. Today as we were wrapping up our day we were talking with our homeowner and he informed us that those mud volcanoes are mad by crawfish. They live underground in this part of the world and when it rains they push the mud up through the ground to allow oxygen to get down to their homes. Then Robert informed us that the crawfish will migrate the rivers, streams, lakes and drainage canals that crisscross the region. These migrations will even take them to the freeway (I-10) where they will cross the freeway and people have been know to pull over with coolers and start throwing the crawfish into them…et-tufe anyone?

Since I’ve gotten through the initial shock of the stripped trees, abandon driveways, stilted houses and all that the aftermath of Katrina has held I am able to engage in a sense of wonder at the truly unique place and culture that I find here. I must admit that until this afternoon I never considered or even cared, for that matter, whether or not crawfish migrate. This serves as a simple reminder of how easy it is to miss the wonders of the world we live in. This has been a day blessed with a strong sense of possibility. With each piece of drywall, every nail hammered, every pass with the drywall mud Robert and his family moved one step closer to occupying their new home. With each new family that moves into their new home, the region is one step closer to recovering and reclaim what Katrina had taken away. Each step closer to recovery is one step closer to healing. It was indeed a good day.

From Waveland, MS, May 6, 2008, 10:30 pm.

2008-05-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

What Would It Take?

This is a thought that runs through my mind as I walk the gulf shore neighborhood neat Camp Gulfside. There is a lot of rebuilding going on in the Waveland area. In fact, today I met two different homeowners on whose homes I worked. Each of these homeowners is receiving grant assistance to rebuild and they are investing a good deal of sweat equity in the project. These two families are working hard to reclaim what was taken by the Gulf.

The house that I worked on in the morning is about 3 miles inland from the Gulf. When the storm surge came through this neighborhood it was at least 20 feet deep…3 miles inland. For this family rebuilding seemed to be very matter of fact…likewise for the house that I hung sheetrock in this afternoon. This family took extraordinary measures to build their home to be as hurricane resistant as possible. They are less than two miles inland. This young family was going to do everything they could do to weather the next storm.

There is plenty of evidence of like minded families in this region of the Gulf Coast. There are a number of homes that have been rebuilt of brick. Others have been built on stilts, some even as tall as 25 feet off the ground. I have to admit there is a certain ‘three little pigs’ quality to what I’m seeing. Every one who is rebuilding is trying to be prepared for the next big hurricane. There is a resilience that is pretty amazing given the stories that I’ve heard.

There is however, another side that is painfully visible. Within a short walk from the camp, there are a number of driveways that come up from Beach Blvd. and go nowhere. To walk about these driveways, many overgrown from what would seem to be years of neglect and abandonment, there is a sadness that washes over you when you realize that there is no home. With some of these lots there is no foundation left. There is no way to know for sure if the slabs were washed away by the storm or simply demolished after the storm. The driveways seem sadly out of place and forlorn. Where the slab is gone there is no way to know for sure the size of the house, but it seems apparent that some of them were fairly good size homes. Many of these homes were such that you could walk out the driveway across the road and out onto a dock that went some distance over the water. Now, the pilings are the only remnants.

One particular lot captured my attention. This is a corner lot of some good size. There was what appeared to be a fairly new swimming pool. The trees were large, mature and though cut back now seemed once to be majestic. From one tree there was the rusted chain which no doubt held a swing. A second tree had hanging from it a now frayed rope. A beautiful Gulf Coast home with a pool, a swing, and large shady trees to climb would have been an idyllic place to grow up. The whole scene seemed to exude memories, now in the form of ghosts of what had been. The lot was overgrown and nailed to a tree was a plaintive sign, almost a plea, “For Sale”. This was not a slick realtor sign. It was simple and handwritten with a number to call.

What is the difference between these families? What could possibly account for the different response? What could have happened in the heart and head of a family who seemed to be giving up so much for them to turn from their memories and leave? I have no answers. I’m not sure there are answers. I’m not sure there needs to be answers. The response is simple…either one steps forward to rebuild, to reclaim what had been taken from them, or one doesn’t.

In our life of faith we have the same choices when battered by the storm. Either we, by God’s grace and with God’s help, reclaim our life or we don’t. Either we recognize that God raises us up from the pit and sets our feet on a rock or we remain bogged down in the mire. The choice is ours to make. The path to follow is always before us.

From Waveland Mississippi, May 5, 2008 5:40 pm.

2008-05-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Waveland, Mississippi

After much anticipation I’ve arrived on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived, but I was still shocked at the extent to which the devastation is still evident. I had the good fortune of getting a small tour as we travelled west from the Gulfport/Biloxi Airport to Waveland. We passed through the communities of Pass Christian, Bay St. Louis and Waveland on our way to United Methodist Camp Gulfside located right on the Gulf of Mexico. My guide was a relief worker assigned to supervisor one of the other UM relief sites. He has been here long enough to get the lay of the land and to know some of the stories. As we drove along the coast the 25 miles from the airport to our final destination I was blown away by the stories of wind and water.

Three years later the Gulf Coast in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina is still a study of contrasts. Brand new houses and signs of life are interspersed with broken and deformed trees, empty foundations, driveways that go nowhere and orphaned stilts that were designed to raise a house high enough to avoid the storm surge of a hurricane. Old plantation homes, small cottages, modest family homes, houses of worship, businesses, municipal buildings, bridges, rail lines, sewers, water, gas and electricity, none were strong enough to withstand the force of the wind and water that came ashore with the eye of the storm right at the place where I write this post from. Nearly three years post-Katrina this area is coming back to life with the help of countless volunteers and yet there are still tens of thousands of homes in this region that are not even touched. The difference between new homes and empty slabs is the common story in our world…the folks with means or insurance are clawing their way back. The ones without are living in FEMA trailers and “Katrina Cottages” navigating the maze of governmental and parochial assistance to re-establish their homes.

Another contrast is this place…Camp Gulfside. This 65 acre parcel has been owned and operated as a Gulf-front camp and retreat center for 80 some years. On this parcel, pre-Katrina, there were 14 buildings that serviced the camp. Post-Katrina, after 25 feet of wind driven water, that number dropped to ZERO. I write to you from a building donated by the military. The contrast is fueled by the history of this place. For forty years of this camp’s existence it was the only place in this part of the Gulf Coast that residents of African descent could freely come and enjoy the soft white sand and warm gulf waters. From its inception in the 1920’s through the civil rights era this camp was an oasis, it was a way-station that guarded the dignity of persons in Christ’s name.

Again, even in its devastated condition, Camp Gulfside is an oasis. It is a place where thousands of volunteers have passed through and rested in the work of bringing a tangible example of Christ’s love to a broken and battered community. We were reminded of why we are here as we sat at orientation this evening. The question was asked “what is the difference between our mission and our task?” The true distinction, given by one of my fellow volunteers is this…Our task is the work on the houses. Our mission is to live out and embody the love of God that we have known in Christ…a love that brings healing and hope in the midst of death and devastation. And so it begins for us.

Come Lord Jesus, Come.

From Camp Gulfside, Mississippi, May 4, 2008, 10:49 pm.

2008-04-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Service as a Spiritual Discipline

In the eight months since I completed the Two Year Academy I've had a growing understanding of service as a Spiritual Discipline. This is an important distinction for the church to make. In some traditions service is an obligation that the community carries as a burden. In other traditions, service is a metric by which that community measures it’s self. Still other traditions engage in service with only the vaguest notion that somewhere in Scripture Jesus expects us to do good things for other people. Make no mistake, when the hungry are fed, the naked clothed and compassion made tangible these are all Kingdom tasks.

However, when service is rooted only in a temporal reality, that is, when our motivation for doing ministry is only about the need that is immediately in front of us, we miss an important, longer view of the Kingdom of God. The deeper question of what drives us into these Kingdom acts is a vital question for Christian spirituality. Are we simply about doing an ethical approximation of what Jesus is reported to have done in the Gospels? Approaching service as a spiritual discipline has helped me distinguish this difference.

This wasn’t an overnight change for me. In fact it happened over many years as I wrestled with the nature of Christian service, the call to discipleship and a yearning for a deeper relationship with God. Since I began my ministry in the local church, I’ve been fairly certain that the work of Christian ministry was more than just going through the motions of “doing church”. I’ve known that there was a “being” component to this work that was rooted deeply within a relationship with Christ. Over the years I think I’ve grown in my ability to bear witness to that distinction and to draw people more deeply into a way of serving that was more than rote and more than doing something simply because I asked them. There was still something missing. There was a connective piece that I couldn’t quite get my hands on.

I realize now that my conversations, my preaching, my teaching and my leading were more academic than experiential. I knew that I was on the right track. But because I lacked the experience of service as a spiritual discipline, it was difficult to lead others there. A couple of months ago I could feel a shift in my spirituality. Through the time of the Academy, much of my focus was internal. My disciplines were very inwardly focused. A couple of months ago I could feel the focus shift. I began to see ways, open doorways through which I could go into the world and express in tangible ways the grace that I had experienced in my inward journey of spiritual formation. I began to experience what I’d been saying and preaching for some years…that serving others as Christ served is not simply the matter of the right task list. To serve as Christ served is rooted in deep and life giving relationships…first with God and then with others. The intimacy of His relationship with God the Father and the intimacy of His relationship with the disciples and those whom he served was the pathway of effectiveness.

The lesson for me is that the metric for faithful discipleship is not the quantity of tasks that we are able to check off at the end of the day. Rather, faithful service is measured by the quality of all of our relationships and that they are in effect means of God’s grace poured out in the world. I know that my ability to serve in this way begins with the time I offer to God…to know God…to hear God…to simply sit in silence with God. If I’m not engaged with God in this way, I’m just “doing church.”

2008-04-08T06:58:00.001-07:00

Reflection Rather Than Reaction

We live in a culture in which Christian discipleship is becoming increasingly difficult. We are treated as consumers whose value is assessed in what we are able to buy. We are marketed to based on age, gender, ethnicity and spending power. We are given very little credit in this culture as rational, thinking, reflecting people. In fact, in the marketing game, the people doing the marketing don’t want us to think; they only want us to react. We are to go on impulse. Don’t think about whether or not you really need a given consumer item…if you want it, buy it.

This philosophy runs across the board. From consumer items to politics we are marketed to not because we have something substantive to add but because we have something that someone else wants…a dollar or a vote. OK…I know that this sounds pretty cynical. I suppose to a certain extent it is. However, I want to elevate the discussion. Each one of us is more, far more, than our spending power, our demographic category or our party affiliation. Each one of us has a life that is a sacred gift from a Creator who loves and values each person. Our life has meaning far beyond our utility. Each one of us is an instrument of grace through whom God works to reveal God’s love, grace and purpose. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to see that purpose and engage that purpose in meaningful ways as we work with Christ to reveal God’s reign in our midst.

To engage this purpose we are called to do more with our life than react to the whims and the fancies of a culture that would strip us of our humanity if we would let it. We are called to a life of faith that is constantly growing and being shaped by the outpouring of God’s grace. This life is a reflective life. For centuries, Christians have engaged in reflective lives where we look at our life in terms of how and where we see God at work. St. Ignatius of Loyola practiced what is known as the Examen. At the end of his day he engaged in a reflection of all that had happened in that day through the eyes of faith and an understanding of how God was at work and where God was present. I’ve come to know the Examen as very valuable discipline in my life. I have not always followed the full pattern of the Ignatian rule, but even a basic pattern of coming to the end of the day and reflecting on the grace of God that I’ve experienced continues to draw me closer to God’s heart. Generally, I combine this reflection with journaling as a way of having a conversation with myself and with God. The times in my life in which I have engaged in this practice more intentionally are the times when I have felt less reactive in my life and more proactive. That is who we are called to be in Christ…proactive to work for and reveal God’s reign through Christ in all that we do.

In a culture where we are expected only to react, the Examen is counter culture. It is a practice of faith that draws us beyond our basest instincts into a life of openness and gratitude where we become more and more able to discern the movement, direction and call of Christ as he travels in our world and bids us to follow. The more effectively we discern God’s movement in our everyday life, the more we understand who we are and who Christ calls us to be. The Examen gives a disciple the opportunity to name the things for which he/she is thankful in the day. It is an opportunity to name the challenges to faith and practicing Christ’s presence that exist in a given day. It is a day to celebrate one of the greatest gifts that God gives us…to recognize that and where God’s grace is poured out. It is the opportunity to encounter the movement of God’s love in ways that we might miss if we spend our day simply reacting to the stimulus of the world.

When we stop at the end of our day, and even periodically during our day, we have the opportunity to see the great wealth and even the unexpected ways that God is present. The more we exercise this vision, the better we see. The better we see, the more we recognize God. The more we recognize God, the stronger our witness to God and the more effectively we reveal the Kingdom.

2008-04-02T17:54:00.001-07:00

Hospitality as a Spiritual Discipline

The Walk to Emmaus story in the 24^th Chapter of Luke’s Gospel is an amazingly rich story for growth in spiritual formation. The story of Cleopas and his unnamed companion holds a mirror up to us in our walk of faith and our efforts to make sense of the Christian faith story. Like Cleopas, we know the elements of the story of Easter and the birth, life and death of Jesus. We know the story, but seeing Christ…having a life giving and energizing encounter with the risen Christ is something that seems fleeting if not altogether elusive. The Walk to Emmaus story teaches us volumes how we can see Christ in the world and in our life.

The nuts and bolts of information weren’t enough for Cleopas and his friend. Even after the hidden Christ revealed more and more nuanced information than they had before, it still wasn’t enough to open their eyes to the Christ who stood before them. It wasn’t enough to dispel the clouds of confusion that continued to swirl around them. At the end of the day (literally as well as figuratively) it took as simple, routine act of hospitality to clear away the fog. They engaged in what was expected of them…welcoming into their home a stranger. They opened their life and their home to the hidden Christ. At the invitation, Jesus entered into their life and then gave them a gift. In an act of breaking bread at the table, in response to their invitation, the risen Christ revealed Himself to Cleopas and his friend. When they saw him they believed what they had seen and heard and then recognized how Christ had really been present with them all along.

The simple act of hospitality was the key that unlocked their awareness. Our encounter with the risen Christ is not driven by what we know, or what we think we know. We see the risen Christ when in spite of what we know, don’t know or think we know, we are willing to home our heart to him. This opening of our self and our life is an act of welcome. It is an act of hospitality. Service is one form of the act of hospitality. When in Matthew’s Gospel we hear Jesus remind his disciples that when they care for the poor, the hungry, the imprisoned, the sick and the outcast they care for him, the road to seeing Christ could not be any clearer for us. We find Christ in the face of those we reach out to.

The interesting and important piece of this form of hospitality is that it is not done grudgingly. It is not done with an air of superiority. It is not done in the spirit of something being done unto another. Hospitality as service…hospitality as a spiritual discipline is accomplished when one person recognizes the humanity of another, recognizes a need and then serves that need with no thought of reward or return. This becomes the quintessential human relationship. This is one person walking the road with another out of mutual love and support. This is what Jesus does on the road to Emmaus. This is what Cleopas and his friend do for Jesus. This is what Jesus does when he blesses the meal he is offered. This was how Jesus was revealed.

When we want to see Jesus today in our life and world the road is pretty clear; make room for a brother or sister you encounter on the path. Be open to not only what you can do for them, but what blessing of grace you might receive from them. When we share with one another in this spirit of love, openness and welcome, Christ is present.

2008-03-28T20:59:00.001-07:00

Practicing Resurrection

As I was preparing for my day, I was struck with an interesting concept for spiritual formation and discipleship. It’s not likely new in the grand scheme of discipleship…in fact it may not even be new to me. What I do know is that it struck a particularly strong chord with me today. So the question is, what would it look like to practice resurrection as a spiritual discipline or discipleship practice?

As I bask in the afterglow of an especially meaningful Easter, resurrection as a present reality is more tangible to me now than at any time I can remember. From a theological perspective, I’ve known resurrection as both an after death reality and a here and now reality. Resurrection isn’t simply a hope that is held in trust for us until we die, it is a power and a hope we draw from every day of our life of faith. With all of the challenges that I’ve been through this past year and the healing that I’ve experienced, the promise of new life is more tangible for me. Head knowledge has become heart knowledge. The heart knowledge has tapped a well spring of strength, courage and vision that had largely been buried or, at the very least, obscured by the stuff that still cluttered my life. The key to practicing resurrection as a spiritual discipline is to live out of this heart knowledge, out of the lived experience of God’s grace.

So, begin where you are. Where have you experienced healing in body or in spirit? Remember a time when you “woke up” out of the haze of conflict or trial and you saw the world around you differently. Remember one of those “a-ha” moments when there was new insight or new awareness of God’s presence in your life. Reach back into your experience and remember one of those times. What was it like? What went through your heart? Have you got that time, even if it is only a moment (and a fleeting one at that)? The discipline of practicing resurrection is to continue to live in the power of that experience. Make no mistake, this is not about freezing time and arresting the clock. Practicing resurrection is about creating more and more space in our life for that power (and it is Spirit power) to work at healing, transforming, refining and clarifying our life, our practice and our witness. Practicing resurrection is about an active life of prayer, journaling and reflection. It is about allowing the Spirit, in concert with our disciplines, to create more and more space in our life to experience that power at greater breadth and greater depth.

Imagine it this way…you’re standing in the middle of a dirty floor with a broom. You look down and you realize that you’re standing on the only clean place on the floor. Yet you don’t concentrate on how dirty the rest of the floor is, you realize you’re standing in a clean place and it gives you joy and peace to be in that place. Then you begin to realize that by using the broom, you can expand that clean area a piece at a time. Bit by bit, the floor becomes clean, your joy increases because there is more and more room that is tidy and ordered.

Practicing resurrection is an intentional discipline of living into the hope we find, whenever we find it and wherever we find it. If it is fleeting, we don’t lament what isn’t there, we revel in the experience we’ve been given and open our self to new and deeper experiences of the Spirit. The more we learn to practice this life of hope and power, the more we realize that this is the real world. This life of resurrection is the life that God intends for all of us through the grace in Christ. We need not be mired in the stuff of this world. It is fleeting, finite and base. Resurrection is life, beauty and promise.

2008-03-19T19:37:00.001-07:00

Relating to the Disciples

I suppose I never really thought about it before…my relationship with the first disciples. I’ve always tried to grow in my understanding of their witness to Christ and the context of their faith within the time that they lived. I never really gave much thought to relating to them personally, as fellow pilgrims on the journey (albeit somewhat time removed). This week, though, as I prepare for Easter, I’m thinking more about my relationship with the disciples.

With 2,000 years of history, witness, theology, commentary and historical criticism of the Gospels its easy to caricature the disciples…Peter is so dense…James and John (the sons of Zebedee) are so power hungry…Judas is so self-centered. We cast these aspersions at people who ought to know better; after all they knew Jesus personally. They walked with Jesus. They ate with Jesus. They witnessed Jesus’ miracles. They heard Jesus’ teaching unfiltered. They saw the empty tomb. They saw the risen Christ. After all of this, how could they be so flawed? The simple answer to that question is they are human; every bit as human as we are. Two thousand years from now, it’s very likely that the church will offer the same critique of our faithfulness. “After all that witness, how could they (we) be so dense.”

Our journey of faith is in fact very little different from that of the disciples. When confronted with the presence of Jesus (for us, in the Gospels and in the world) we are forced to make sense of what we see. The Holy Spirit helps us get a handle on our experience of the risen Christ, but it has to go far beyond the simple cognitive process. This week is Easter, so the obvious question should have something to do with the empty tomb. In an enlightenment mentality it would be logical to frame the question thus: What does the empty tomb mean? Many trees have given their lives over the millennia to provide the medium to answer that question. We can talk about salvation, eternal life, justifying grace and regeneration, but that doesn’t get at the crux of the Gospel witness and how Jesus interacts with the disciples in these post-resurrection experiences.

The question is better framed: What does the empty tomb mean to me? To put it another way, how will my acknowledgment that the tomb is empty shape my relationship with Jesus, with God and with me? How will the fact that the tomb is empty shape my work as a Christian disciple? How will it shape my witness in the world? How will it focus me around whom and how I serve? These were the questions that were upper most in Jesus’ teaching on that morning. These were the things that the disciples were most interested in. They didn’t have the time, the context and they certainly didn’t have the words to make sense of such an unprecedented event. It would take centuries to come to anything that resembled a working theological understanding of Easter, let alone the life and death of Jesus. Jesus didn’t want them to wait around until they had the understanding. Jesus wanted them to get to work right away. Work with what you know, build understanding from what you experience through the power of the Holy Spirit. Invite people to take the journey with you and learn of Christ not through the wisdom of our words but through the life giving love of Christ that pours forth from our hearts.

This makes so much more sense to me. Even with two advanced degrees and nearly twenty years in the church, I’m still learning new theological truths (seemingly daily). My ministry doesn’t stop because the understanding is incomplete. I follow the well worn path of those who walked beside Jesus…I share Christ’s love and teaching with the best understanding I can muster, live the love I’ve been given with as much integrity as I can, bear witness with as much authenticity as I can and let the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit do the rest.

Is it really that simple?

2008-02-18T10:12:00.001-08:00

Reclaiming Holy Ground

Last week I experienced the profound blessing of reuniting with my covenant group from the Two Year Academy. We had been planning this event since our last formal week together last August. It was an event that we had all anticipated. It was a blessed time of reconnecting and practicing the spiritual discipline of fellowship. As it turns out I needed that time and space more than I imagined. Returning to the Mercy Center was like returning to the spiritual womb. As I walked through the gates, I new that I was walking on holy ground. It was a time of healing that put me back on the path of intentional spiritual formation. The following an entry from my journal that speaks of the healing.

February 9, 2008 Mercy Center

It has been far too long. In so many ways I have been absent from this level of openness to God. Through a season of great turmoil, truly a wilderness experience, I have emerged…a little more scarred, a little more worn, a little wiser and certainly more blessed. I am willing to more deeply embrace my need for God’s grace. I am more willing to come to terms with my own sin, brokenness and insecurity. In this vulnerability I am much more able to see and understand God’s gifts to me. The freely given, unmerited reality of God’s grace is a much deeper experience. I also see more clearly that gratitude is the proper first response.

Living gratefully can’t be quantified merely by a series of prescribed tasks. The whole of gratitude is vastly greater than the sum of its parts. True gratitude is practiced when I am willing to trust God completely even though there are things I’d wish to hide, even through I have questions, even thought there is much that is yet to be understood. True gratitude is engaged when I open myself to God’s touch to the very core of my being…even to that place of deep hurt that I’ve covered out of both ignorance and self-preservation. The fullest expression of gratitude for this gift of God’s grace doesn’t end with what happens inside of me and inside of my experience. The fullest expression of this gratitude comes when I live this gift incarnationally, even sacramentally, as I journey this path.

In my relationship with Christ I find the key, the gateway to understanding this mystery of healing and redemption more clearly. Through Christ’s life, death and resurrection, this path takes shape before me. The lesson today is an advanced lesson in grace. I’ve always know that this path, this life of gratitude is an everyday reality and an everyday practice. I’m not sure I could always articulate an adequate answer as to why. Perhaps I had not reached a full enough awareness of my own vulnerability and need. Perhaps I was so ashamed or afraid of my vulnerability that I was fearful of coming to God with the radical openness that I learned through the Academy. Perhaps there was enough of me that figured I could do this on my own. Today, this myth has been shattered like so many other myths that have fallen in my life in the past few months. Today there is emerging a deeper peace that comes with this myth being dispelled. Whatever the reasons for this recent absence for a deep and radical openness practiced in a disciplined spiritual life (and the reasons are by no means adequate excuses), the bottom line is that I didn’t share this struggle with God. In spite of trying to hide this from God, I do know (and am still blown away by the fact) that God remained close by me…as close as my next breath.

I now know God’s redeeming and transforming love more deeply in that I have experienced how mercifully and compassionately God cares for my deepest hurts, my deepest vulnerabilities and even my most persistent sins. I know now that God’s grace is sufficient for my deepest need. I can trust God’s love completely in that need and I can seek God’s presence without fear anytime any place and with any need.

What has been hope is now experience through my deepening relationship with Christ’s incarnational presence that dwells in me through faith. Now I can be a fuller expression of that grace through my grateful response in creation.

2008-01-31T10:19:00.000-08:00

Closer Than You Think

I finally have something that resembles a “normal” week (assuming that normalcy and servant ministry have any correlation). The personal issues that I dealt with before Christmas were complicated by bouts of the flu and bronchitis since. I’ve managed to muddle through and get the bare necessities done, but there has been little energy to do more. Now, before you think I’m looking for someone to throw me a pity party, there is a point to this.

I’m sorry to say that my devotional life was one of the casualties of the illness. Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m sick, I generally don’t do a thing. I turn into a regular lump. I do pray, but it bears very little resemblance to the discipline I try to keep at other times. As I’ve emerged from this self imposed cave and have gotten more focused on my spiritual disciplines and rule of life I’ve discovered an incredible gift of grace.

In times past when I’ve had these lapses in discipline, getting back into the discipline was something of a chore. There were many times when I felt like I was starting over. It was discouraging to say the least. This time, however, as I have rekindled my disciplines I discovered that God was closer than I thought! It didn’t feel like I was starting over. It didn’t feel like I had some great distance to travel to “get back to where I had been.” In fact, it felt a lot more like I’d never left, like there had been no lapse. I know that this sense is not that God’s geography was somehow different; I knew that it was a matter of my awareness.

Over the course of many weeks and months, as I have sought God’s presence in a more disciplined and intimate way, I have known God’s transforming grace with a completeness and depth that I had previously unknown. I feel and sense God’s presence closer now than at any other time in my life. I’m different for the encounter. What I learn from this experience is that attention to spiritual disciplines will ebb and flow with the tides in my life. I won’t always be as disciplined as I’d like to be. But over a long haul, but because of how God has drawn me deeper and deeper into God’s own presence those momentary lapses will be just that. The gift of intimacy that has so transformed me will keep me close to God through all the distractions.

2008-01-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Another Important Discovery

In the last month, I’ve been taught a valuable lesson about openness and vulnerability in life, faith and ministry. To be open to the movement of God’s Spirit, to be open to others in life and ministry and to be open to growth in grace is a lot like being pregnant…you either are or you aren’t. From the day that I answered Christ’s claim on me to pursue ordination, I’ve prided myself on the sense of openness and vulnerability that made that pursuit possible. Along the way there have been countless experiences through which God has shaken the chaff of pride free from that vulnerability. The pitfall of pride became relatively easy to spot and repent of and as a consequence I feel like I’ve learned that I am still in the process of becoming truly open to the movement of grace. However, in the last month I’ve come to discover that pride is not the only pitfall on the path to openness and vulnerability to grace.

Over the past month I’ve become increasingly aware how large of a pitfall woundedness can be to the deeper movement of grace and openness to God’s purpose. Even though, I’ve never been one to shy away from emotion and the willingness to be open to showing my pain and fear to others there has always been a limit to how much I would show. I’ve been very selective in how I would show my weakness. As I’ve sorted through the woundedness that was wrapped up in the toxic relationship with my father, I’ve realized the imprint on my life of his inability and unwillingness to be confronted with anything that could be construed as personal failure or rejection. I’ve found that I was more than willing to empathize with the pain of illness, loss, death and the like; however, if the vulnerability in any way exposed the possibility of a poor personal reflection, failure or rejection I would do anything I could to insulate myself from it.

The all out effort to insulate myself from failure and rejection put up huge obstacles to God’s healing and redeeming grace. This insulation work took me from the heart of the Gospel and the work of Christian discipleship. For any Christian disciple the path of discipleship and true openness to the movement of grace means making one’s self open to failings and sin. It requires a fundamental openness to personal rejection and failure. Jesus himself was radically open to people’s perceptions of him as a failure as many of those who shouted “Hosanna!” on Sunday were likely shouting “Crucify Him!” on Friday because he had somehow failed their expectations.

To be truly vulnerable is to trust in God’s grace. To be open to the movement of the Spirit even in our brokenness and woundedness is to trust in the refiner’s fire. To be vulnerable to one’s self and to be vulnerable to God enables us to be vulnerable to others. We are able to enter into deep relationships that bind us together in grace and ministry. Together we trust God and one another and in that trust we become powerful instruments of grace in the revealing of God’s reign of love in all of creation. For all of us…it is a work in progress.

2007-12-20T16:11:00.001-08:00

A New Understanding of Adoption

I’m come face to face with a type of grieving that I never expected. It came not from the death of a person I’ve known and loved. The grief came in the death of a relationship. It was a death that I never anticipated and as necessary as it was, it has been extremely painful. The pain and heartache run very deep. The man whose name I bear and whose DNA is part of my physical make up is now dead to me.

It pains me to write these words and to publicly admit this truth in this way. It feels a lot like a personal failure to make the admission. It took me 45 years to come to terms with the reality that the one whose name I bear was never really a father, at least in the way that I would define that relationship now. At times where a father would be available for support, encouragement and nurture I was instead confronted with emptiness. For years the family interpreted the situation with an assumption that depression and mental illness lay at the root of his action and inaction. However, in the last year our family has been confronted with a different explanation. It has not been mental illness that rendered him incapable of these relationships. His life is profoundly marked by a personality disorder that is completely volitional. He has chosen to be this way. He has chosen relationships marked not by mercy, grace and mutuality but by manipulation, abuse and degradation.

As I came to terms with this reality and began to reinterpret the relationship based on this new look at reality I began to push back against his garbage. I simply would not allow myself or my family to be manipulated and abused.

During the ensuing months the relationship became increasingly toxic and I was moving closer and closer to making a break. The break came in early November. In a number of related incidents he acted in ways that were so abusive to my family and others around us that for my own health and that of my family I could no longer maintain this relationship. The pain, grief and tears ran deep. It shook my life completely. The last three months, as the relationship spiraled to this conclusion, have been the most painful of my life.

While there was much grieving, I was able to recognize and hold on to a deeper truth that has marked by life in these last two years. My experience with God’s intimacy in my life has provided for me a meaningful flotation device as I was buffeted on this storm of grief. I came to realize that even if my father was absent, my Father was always present. As I remember and reflect, I can see God’s presence. At this stage in my life I understand the Fatherhood of God more deeply and personally than I ever have before. While I know it is not terribly PC to speak of God in these terms, I don’t wish to suggest anything resembling gender exclusion. Rather, this is an expression of individual experience that is deeply personal. I think I also understand Paul’s words about adoption better than I ever have before.

While I never would have expected to have to go through this sort of ordeal and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I’ve known in no uncertain terms the gracious hand of God. I’ve known nurture, companionship, mercy and healing. All of these experiences have served to draw me deeper to the heart of God and brought a new breadth of compassion for those who suffer through the pain of broken relationships. I give thanks for all of God’s gifts even through the pain of grief.

2007-11-29T09:50:00.001-08:00

Even Faithful Folks Can Benefit From Silence

With my Bible Study class last Monday night I worked through the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth in the first chapter of Luke’s Gospel. It is a truly beautiful story that is such a wonderful parallel to the story of Abraham and Sarah. For years Abraham and Sarah had been told that they would bear a son. As a childless couple, advanced in years, it would probably take a while to come to terms with this kind of news. Zechariah, in the throws of fulfilling his sacred task as a priest of the Lord, is given the same news, but clearly the timeline is considerably compressed. As is perfectly understandable Zechariah has to absorb such news. His response to Gabriel is traditionally interpreted as a lack of faith, or doubt. Personally, I think that is a bad rap. After all, we’re told from the beginning that Zechariah and Elizabeth are righteous people who live blamelessly. Rather than doubt it is a statement that seeks understanding. Clearly Zechariah needs to come to terms with this news. Gabriel obliges by striking him mute. He is to be mute until it is time to announce God’s Good News. While some might see being struck mute as punishment, I’ve come to understand that it is truly a gift, an opportunity to make sense of the incredible.

I’ve learned in my own growth in the discipline of silence that it is truly amazing what I can hear, discern and perceive when I shut up long enough to listen. We live in such a loud world and we spend so much time speaking. It is often difficult to hear God, understand God’s Word and come to terms with God’s claim on us in Christ when there is so much noise. So, I’ve learned the value of silence and listening. Even now, so shaped and transformed by the rigors of the Two Year Academy, my need to engage in silence is increasing rather than decreasing. I’ve found the core of my life and faith in listening in silence.

While I haven’t done anything that represents an organized study of this notion, my sense is that all of us can benefit from taking the time to turn off the noise and listen to God. This discipline can do so much to orient us more completely to God. This is consistent with the ways that Paul exhorts the early church (in most of his letters) to stay focused on living faithfully in Christ. This focus can only come when we regularly take the time to turn off the TV, shake off the world and settle into God’s presence. I’ve come to believe that this practice is essential to a perfecting spirituality and relationship with Christ.

Spend some time in silence. Be patient…it might take some time to get into the discipline. In time, it will be worth the time it takes.

2007-10-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Fire…and What Came Next

This week is a change of pace for my blog. My journey took an interesting turn this week. On Sunday night, at the end of a birthday celebration, I saw the news of Ramona’s evacuation in the face of the oncoming Witch Creek Fire that would race through the central part of San Diego County covering something close to 40 miles in less than 24 hours). I’m not sure how long before the order had been given, but I began to frantically call anyone whose number I had or remembered and got nothing but answering machines. Having served in the community for six years, I became attached to a number of those folks. While I am no longer their pastor, I am still their friend. I resolved the next day to head down to the area shelters to find and connect with these friends. Little did I know what would lay ahead.

My journey there was long…the fire had already breached the 15 Freeway on its race to the ocean. I had to detour all the way to the coast because the inland route was blocked. My search took me to Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego (soon to be home to many thousands of displaced people). What a truly extraordinary experience. I ended up spending the whole night, partly because the freeway was closed and partly because I simply couldn’t leave. I prayed with people, counseled people, moved food and supplies, tried to coordinate efforts and in other ways simply tried to be present for folks.

What I experienced was astounding. First, the City of San Diego had learned the lessons they needed to learn after the Cedar Fire four years ago. The coordination effort at the stadium was very good. Relief came on line fairly quickly. More extraordinary than that was the response of the people of the greater San Diego area. Shortly after noon a steady stream of people began to drive to the stadium. Each car and truck was loaded with relief supplies. Everything from personal hygiene products to bedding to clothing to water to food to baby supplies to pet food came pouring in in mass quantities. A company came with the ability to do cell phone charging. People had wireless internet access. Insurance companies soon arrived to begin the process of relief. Restaurants came to bring prepared food for meals. Volunteers swarmed to Qualcomm. Some had needed medical specialties which were especially important with the numbers of elderly evacuated from assisted living and skilled nursing. Some simply wanted to help. All were willing to do whatever was necessary to bring relief.

For almost 24 hours I watched and participated in the pageant of the best of the human condition. When the freeway opened up and relief arrived I was torn between wanting to stay and help and needing to go home to sleep. In the end, sleep won out, but the lessons learned, the hope experienced and the inspiration gained will carry me for a long time to come.

2007-10-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

Drinking From a Fire Hose

An interesting by product of the growth in spirit that I’ve experienced recently has been an expanded vision. As I’ve found my center more firmly rooted in God it’s as if I’ve been able to lift my head higher and see more broadly around me. I see more and I see more clearly than I ever have before. I see myself, my ministry, my world and the path that God is stretching ahead of me with increasing clarity.

On the one hand this has been exciting. Pieces of my life, ministry and calling are coming together in ways that I’ve never before seen. It is giving me energy and focus that I’ve not had in a long time and a quality of spirituality that I’ve never had. This feeling of clarity reminds me a lot of the experience of getting a new prescription for my glasses. It isn’t as though I was totally blind with my previous glasses. The change and loss of focus was so gradual that it was almost imperceptible. It is only when the new glasses arrived that I realized just how out of focus things have become.

There is a shadow to this experience, however. As this greater clarity and energy emerges, so does an urgency to press forward. With the urgency to press forward grows the list of things that need to be done to live into and accomplish this new vision. Time becomes more and more a precious commodity. Oddly enough, what has suffered most for me these last few weeks is the intentional time with God that brought forth the greater clarity in the beginning. (Irony is a funny thing)

There is no doubt that drinking from a fire hose will satisfy the thirst of anyone who is parched. I still have to remember that too much of a good thing is as equally undesirable as the absence of it in the first place. In the midst of all that is new, exciting, stimulating, energizing and empowering I have to hold fast to my rule of life. This rule of life is more than simply a task that I’ve set for myself; I believe that it was discerned as part of my experience of God’s grace poured out through a more disciplined spiritual practice. This pattern of living while far from rigid and restrictive is nonetheless essential to living into God’s preferred future.

The learning continues. The journey continues.

2007-10-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

Completing Another Loop

I have a strong “full-circle” feeling these days. My first posting on this blog was about experiencing silence as a spiritual discipline. I remember feeling energized and empowered as the Holy Spirit opened silence up to me. No longer was silence a dark hole that was daunting and fierce. Learning silence as an open and inviting reality in which I could know and be known more fully by God has been a gateway to a perfecting spirituality.

The strength of this experience and the impact of silence in my life and spirit are reflected in my rule of life. I’ve come to realize that it is easy for me to live life at break neck speed. When feeling pushed and stressed I can simply barrel ahead. In this mode, I put my ahead down and go. At times like this it is rare that I would even lift my head to make sure I’m going in the desired direction. Sometimes I’ve ended up in unfamiliar and even undesirable places. As I’ve consciously worked to put silence at the center of my rule of life I’m finding that is slowing me down at the times I’d be prone to barrel ahead. That period of silence, to pause and swim in the fullness of God’s presence, reorients me to the path I’m on. I’m finding great solace and strength in this discipline.

To say that I’m finding a purpose in silence is not completely accurate. To have silence at the center of my life is more than seeing silence as a tool. There is a temptation to think of this experience as “retreating” into silence. These moments of pause are anything put retreat. I have a deep desire to walk this path with God more fully and more completely. Living out of silence instead of living frantically I feel more fully grounded to the path. For so much of my life and ministry I’ve found myself running from one big idea to the next searching for something that always seemed beyond my sight and understanding. This pattern of life made for a pretty scattered existence. In the last few weeks, I’ve been learning silence as the core experience with God that takes me out of this pattern of running and searching. It’s as if I’ve discovered gravity.

2007-09-24T11:47:00.001-07:00

Living Into a Rule of Life

There was a period of time in my life that I would have given a limb to have someone help me develop a rule of life. I would have loved to have a well set regimen of bullet points to follow that would outline a life of spiritual practices. That would seem so simple and so straightforward. That regimented a practice would make spirituality so “easy”. That time in my life was marked by a desire and chasing after an easier way, a shortcut way to a preconceived and superficial way of being in relationship with Christ. The shortcut and superficial way will no longer to do it for me. I’ve come to recognize that I need a rule of life that gives me more than the “five easy steps to Jesus”. I have found myself yearning for a more organic model that has life beyond the bullet points.

As I’ve lived into the extraordinary experience of God’s grace poured out in my life through the Two Year Academy for Spiritual Formation I find myself yearning for depth and breadth with God. One image that is growing in strength as a metaphor for my faith is a well developed Scriptural model of the Tree of Life. I’m growing into the image of my life as something that is deeply rooted into the soil of God’s presence and promise…a tree that is planted to grow and bear fruit. A rule of life for this growing self-image is one that is shaped by practices through which God’s grace will water and nourish the “tree of life.”

The purpose of a rule of life is to sustain my life in Christ. It is that simple and that complex. It is the intentional work of not losing the momentum in my deepening life with Christ that I’ve learned through the Academy. To use the image in a previous posting, the rule of life I discern for myself is a model of life with Christ and spiritual practice that will sustain my life while working without the net that the Academy experience has been for me. It will be the means of grace that will sustain my life in Christ without the regular infusion of a week at the Academy.

I’ve experienced enough to know that my rule of life is always going to be developing. As my life changes, as my circumstances shift and as my life with Christ grows, my rule will shift. With that being said, this is the best representation of my rule at this stage of life and faith:

First, it is rooted in solitude and silence. I’ve come to recognize and understand that the foundation of my life and ministry is silence. The nature of my life and work has always been frenetic. Learning the discipline of silence helps to calm me and slow me. Silence is the fertile and watered soil that provides nourishment for the deepest roots.

Welling up out of this discipline of solitude and silence and spreading out around the roots of the tree of life are four specific areas of life and practice. These four areas work together as a balance and a partnership. The first two have to do with my life of spiritual practices; one is inwardly focused while the other is more communally focused. On the individual side, I recognize the need to have a spiritual director. In addition to the individual spiritual practices, I know that the way to keep them from becoming impacted is through the insight of a trained spiritual director. The communal side will involve a weekly covenant accountability group made up of men I know who are on a similar path.

The other two areas involve how I live and practice my life and vocation. On the one side of the balance is to live sacramentally. That is, I will live outwardly and consciously as a means of grace for others. The other side of the balance is to live invitationally. I will live in ways that seek to open up the spiritual journey and the path of discipleship to others. I will seek to live and share my journey in ways that might encourage others to embark or deepen their own journey to the heart of God.

I have in my mind a beautiful, 3 dimensional image of this organic model; however I’m such a poor artist that I’m largely incapable of rendering it on paper. So for now, mere words must suffice.

2007-09-12T17:16:00.001-07:00

Learning to Work Without a Net

I suppose I’ve not yet wanted to come to terms with the fact that my Two Year Academy for Spiritual Formation experience has come to a close. I really think that I’ve been in denial for the last three weeks, hence the dearth of posting to this blog. For the first time in two years I’m facing my daily spiritual practices without the safety net of another week at the Academy coming up in just a matter of weeks. That glorious discipline is over. I now have to face my day to day practice without the comfort that comes from knowing that I will soon be immersed again in the beautiful and transformational experience of worship, Eucharist, covenant groups, learning, silence and spiritual friendships.

This is a day and a prospect I’ve tried to avoid. Being the creature of habit that I am, I’ve dreaded this day. I love the routine and I love the accountability that was both implicit and explicit in the pattern of the Academy. The depth and breadth of this accountability is something that I’m just now coming to realize. This has not just been a series of self-contained warm, fuzzy experiences of an amorphous and undirected love. Throughout the Academy experience there has been a strong (but not overbearing) expectation that the participants will grow in grace moving more deeply into our relationship with Christ and the setting in place of patterns of worship, practice and service that will continue to grow us all in grace and experience of the Risen Christ. In fact, even though much of the experience of the last two years was about developing a series of practices that will enable my ongoing spiritual growth and growth in grace, the goal was not simply the development of a set of rote practices…bullet points of self-imposed expectations that could very easily lose their luster, fade over time and become irrelevant as circumstances change. The Academy experience was not simply one of practice, but of heart, life and motivation. It was about a change of identity.

What I’ve discovered in these three weeks as I’ve tried to process this transition in my life is that my motivation for my faith, my life and my ministry is changing. I’m more deeply motivated by living faithfully in my relationship with Christ than I am in being professionally proficient. I understand a new relationship between these two vital parts of living under orders within the Body of Christ. While I’ve interpreted that professional proficiency is what is required of me (and that is not inherently bad, merely incomplete), the pathway to professional proficiency as a clergy person isn’t about academic training. It isn’t about institutional maintenance. I’m not called simply to turnout a conveyor of good church folks. In line with all those called by Christ who have gone before me, my call is to make disciples for Christ. This is not an academic or institutional enterprise…it is a spiritual endeavor. Without living into and out of a perfecting spirituality the goal of professional proficiency will remain a caricature of who I am called to be. What the Academy has nurtured within me is the experience that teaches me that what Christ is doing deep within my life is of first priority and that spiritual skills and practices will always be stunted until they flow out of my experience with Christ.

2007-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

A New Experience of Grace

I’ve had a strong sense in recent months of being immersed in grace. I’ve considered water images as a way of getting my thoughts around the idea of grace. The strong childhood memories of the small lake where I grew up are enduring images of the experience of being immersed in grace.

This morning, quite unexpectedly (but isn’t that the way it usually happens), I had a new experience of grace. I don’t think that it necessarily replaces the image of immersion. Instead I think this new image is for me the next meaningful step into an ever deepening experience of God’s abiding grace. As I sat in prayer this morning with a clarity and focus I haven’t had in quite some time, I felt as though I had become woven into God’s grace. It was an experience of warmth, comfort and belonging. It was an experience of grace that was no longer outside of me or some how distinct or separate from me. It was more than the experience of grace becoming a part of my life. Suddenly I felt, perhaps for the first conscious time, that I had become (or at least was becoming) part of God’s grace. Maybe there had been obstacles, unseen but formidable, that had prevented this experience earlier. Maybe that is how it’s always been, but I didn’t have the “eyes to see”. At the end of the day, the whys don’t matter.

As I’ve tried to unpack this image through the course of a busy day, the picture of a patchwork quilt came to mind. I could see my patch, the little piece that is my life, against the backdrop of the Great Quilt that is grace. My little piece, ragged around the edges, made of a unique piece of cloth with nothing particularly compelling to offer in color or design, woven into this incredible masterwork. My life, woven into the fabric of grace and God’s work in creation, is no longer separate from the great reality of grace. No longer is grace something that exists outside of my life, my spirit or my reality.

I think a fundamental shift in my mindset has taken place. No longer is grace an ego centered experience of God’s mercy, love, etc., etc. coming to me in a J.T. sized bite. By God’s astonishing (no longer merely amazing) grace, I have become part of a larger whole, a larger reality. I, with all of my raggedness, imperfections and ordinariness, have become drawn into, perhaps even created into, something that defies description.

This may be the first time that I’ve conceived of the notion that God has not been becoming part of me on this journey, but rather I am finding my place, my home and my identity in God.

2007-07-18T14:41:00.001-07:00

Leggo My Ego

It has taken awhile to get it through my thick head, but I’m finally coming to terms with the length of the road toward healing and transformation. For the last three months of my life and ministry my refrain has been taking my ego offline. At first it seemed a relatively straightforward affair. In the familiarity of my home and my ministry I was able to navigate this change with great confidence. All seemed to go well. Then came our Annual Conference session…I was prepared to stay focused on taking my ego out of the equation and intentionally living into a ministry of renewal rather than reformation. What I was unprepared for was the strength of the pull into the institutional mentality of the Conference. I felt sucked back into old mindsets of the shortcomings of the institution and the need for reformation. In spite of my best efforts, my ego went for a swim in these dark and murky waters. In the process, I got hurt and frustrated in all the ways that I tried to avoid. I felt angry. I felt a deep sense of entitlement. I felt a deep frustration with an ego driven assessment of the short sighted opinions of others. I definitely need to repent.

A week of vacation in a warm, tropical location helped to decompress the anger, hurt and frustration and to lick the wounds of not being as far along the journey as I thought I was. I discovered that life in the institution demands a strength and vigilance that is seldom needed in the local church. The experienced also reinforced for me the counter productivity that often goes hand in hand with heavily invested and competing egos. In the healing of that week of vacation I began to experience new power in not simply focusing on the removal of ego but the intentional focus on the presence of Christ.

This focus came, as is often the case, in God’s time. Two days after returning from vacation I embarked on a 10 mission trip with 5 other adults and 20 Senior High youth. If there was ever a time and a need to take one’s ego off line, it was then. I love working with youth (for more than 25 years) and I’ve been taking this mission trip since I graduated from Seminary, but this particular trip proved to be different. With so many young and developing egos stretching and flexing new muscles there would have been plenty of opportunities for a heavily invested ego to do battle. Only when I turned my attention to Christ present in our midst and in each of the youth and away from my own ego, my own needs and my own need to be right did I realize a new richness of relationship and possibility for growth in faith that could come for my self and for these youth. Times of potential conflict became times of learning and growth. I hope and pray that I was able to model a different picture of faith, authority and leadership. I pray for the grace and strength to continue to build on what I’ve begun with these relationships.

The experiences of the last month are also lengthening my view of time and instilling in me the patience to walk this road the requisite one step at a time. This has become a corollary for me. Just as I learned of silence as the fullness of God not the absence of sound, I’m learning that faithful discipleship is the fullness of Christ rather than merely the absence of ego.

2007-06-24T10:06:00.001-07:00

Getting Smacked in the Face, Again

Have you ever had one of those moments on the journey when a hole just seems to jump up and bite you? You know, you’re just tripping along minding your own business and out of nowhere you get tripped up, snared, knocked over… The thing that sucks about that scenario is that it comes when we least expect it. Typically it comes, also, when we need it most. I write this posting at an Annual Conference Plenary. Conference is nearly over, and as I reflect on my experience of this Conference in light of experiences of grace I’ve previously shared, I realize that I’ve been smacked in the face. I found myself tripping over my own ego.

I suppose that this should be considered a confessional. In spite of my desire to take my ego out of my faith and my service, in this setting, I’ve allowed it to sneak back in. In a place that could offer great hope and possibility for faith, transformation, discipleship and grace, I lament the ways that I have participated in ambition, jealousy, suspicion and mistrust. Those pieces that I had hoped to be in the process of being healed from that I recognized as having no place in my life suddenly were much closer than I expected or like. OUCH!

The irony of this confession is that the Bible studies that have begun each of our Conference days have talked about the power, reality and promise of God’s Shalom in the midst of a broken and uncertain world. Even as we’ve talked about shalom and challenged toward embracing the full depth of shalom, I’ve been stung by the absence of shalom in my own heart in these few days. I’m caught in the tension of claiming renewal as the authentic shape of my ministry and seeing the need to work toward the change of systemic practice and understanding in the life of the Annual Conference. It has created a decidedly unsettled feeling in my spirit.

How do I bear witness to the power and possibility of transformation in an unwieldy and cumbersome institution whose culture is permeated by suspicion, cynicism and apathy? How do I bear witness to the need to faithfully live in kairos (God’s time) in a culture that is obsessed with rapid answers? How do I bear witness to the possibility of shalom within a culture that struggles to be gentle with self and with other? At the risk of sounding petulant, how do I bear this witness in a community in which I don’t have a voice? Perhaps it’s only that I don’t have the voice that I think I should have. Perhaps I do have a voice, but it is that I don’t think I’m being heard. In any case, I’ve got to deal with my own perceptions of being voiceless or not being heard. I’ve tripped over my ego. It is time to be led in the next step of healing.

2007-06-11T11:01:00.001-07:00

Authentically Living Into Change

For about a month I've been living with the knowledge that something has changed deep within me. The deep interior work of the Holy Spirit has brought deep healing and transformation into my life. When the Spirit's work hit critical mass in my spirit, the recognition of the change came quickly.

As quickly and easily has the change came to me, I've discovered that living into this change, into this new reality is an altogether different challenge. Throughout my ministry I've endeavored to live with all of the integrity and authenticity that I could muster. For the most part there have been few tectonic changes in my experience. This has given me the luxury of transitional living. Incorporation of new experiences, ideas and understandings have been experienced more like a steady flow rather than a earth shaking change. Because the most recent change has been so deep and so immediate I have floundered a bit.

Because of the profundity of the change I felt called and compelled to mark the change. I wanted to have an outward and visible sign of the interior and spiritual change. Due to the nature of the change itself, the most meaningful expression was shaving my head. This wasn’t about being a spectacle to the world and drawing attention to my self. I did it to have something that would be a reminder of the change that I’ve felt. It has been the constant reminder of transformation and surrender to God that I hoped it would be. Each day I've been approaching shaving as a spiritual discipline. I will offer my breath prayer and/or think of people I know who need prayer. This has been very helpful. But there is still a piece that is missing.

What I am now discovering is that nurturing the root of this change will take a level of discipline that I have very little experience in practicing. I have a new identity, a new self-conception, and with it must come new practices, deeper practices. Suddenly the image of new wine in old wine skins takes on a new depth of meaning. Daunting or not, this is my path, this is my journey. Lord, may each step be marked with the grace that has seen me this far.

2007-05-16T18:05:00.001-07:00

A New Community

The experience of tectonic movement in my life and spirit is becoming more common. For many months now, I’ve been sharing my journey and the deep interior work of the Holy Spirit in my life. As I conceived of this work, celebrated it and gave thanks for it I unconsciously thought of this work as a largely singular practice. My experiences of the Triune God have become so deeply personal; there was an element to it that seemed to be just me and God. Even though the Academy for Spiritual Formation experience has been anything but a singular experience, the place and power of that covenantal community experience hadn’t filtered down through the layers of my life to nurture the depth of my faith.

I’ve come to learn that involvement in an intentional covenantal community is vital to spiritual formation. There is no such thing as the solitary spiritual life. I’ve also learned that even in the desert hermitages of the early aesthetic movement there was an intentional, supportive and spiritual community. The extraordinary experiences of healing, grace and transformation that I’ve had would have had no meaning without the movements of prayer, conversation, worship, accountability, table fellowship, joy, laughter and tears that mark the life of the Academy Community that has been drawn together by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit brought each of us to the Academy experience. We all came with different expectations, different experiences, different hurts, different biases and different desires and yet this grand group of diversity has become a means of God’s unique grace for each one of us. We have become a covenant community.

This is having a truly amazing impact on my conception of the church as a Community of Faith. I’m moving beyond a 30 year old paradigm of the church as simply a functional and organic reality. For most of my life I’ve known the power of the community of faith as a force for ministry and God’s reign of love and mercy. Through ministry teams, service projects and hands on community outreach I’ve seen lives changed in some powerful ways. By the great, powerful and reconciling work of the Holy Spirit, the church is drawn together not as an institutional reality but as a living, breathing body of believers. The Body of Christ is called to a work of transformation and yet, this transformation work must be rooted first in the Body’s experience of the transforming work of grace in its life and the life of its members.

Through an intentional and covenantal commitment to prayer, accountability to God and one another, worship, study and growth we become spiritually formed. This work is not solitary it is necessarily the work of the community. The work of intentional covenant community doesn’t supplant the work of mission and evangelism; Matthew 25 and 28 are still quite specific on that matter. The life of being spiritually formed is what gives breath to our outreach. It is what gives us strength when the obstacles get us down. It is what gives us a vivid picture, not only in knowledge but also in experience, of God’s preferred future and the patience to work with God and walk with God instead of thinking that we do it all on our own.

Strength in numbers is not simply a formula for mission. It is the life blood of a covenant community intent on being spiritually formed.

2007-05-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

The Master Artist

A clear picture…a beautiful picture…painted on my heart with colors so vibrant that it could only have been a masterpiece brushed by the Master Artist. A sweeping image of the power of promise, possibility and redemption that shine light across and into the darkest corners, this image rendered on flesh and bone, substance and spirit has taken a lifetime to fashion…my lifetime. The Artist has painstakingly crafted this masterwork to make known to all who would gaze upon it the overwhelming power of light to reshape and redefine the world, one life at a time.

This painting is not a museum piece. It was not created to hang on a wall with perfect light in a climate controlled environment. This piece is on perpetual tour. It is to be out in the world, walking the sidewalks and roadways to take its message of hope wherever the path leads. Out in the world the painting becomes vulnerable. This masterwork is always at risk. The hazards of the road can damage and deform the work. The debris that floats on the wind can damage the paint surface and canvas. Salty tears can erode the vibrant colors. Gentle rain and howling storms dilute the clarity and run the picture together. Light begins to fade from the image, darkness and shadows gather. Before too long the image becomes unrecognizable. It becomes a caricature of its former self…damaged, twisted, torn and diluted. It becomes a mockery of the vision that fashioned it.

Too long on the road and the masterwork would simply break apart.

Thankfully the Artist is not merely a gifted Creator. The Artist is also a Master Re-Creator. No matter the path, the Artist’s Studio is never far away. In the safety and security of the Studio the Artist goes to work to restore the original vision and the original hope. The canvas and frame are repaired and strengthened. The sharpness of focus is deftly restored. The vibrant colors are renewed and once again the light shines across and into the dark spaces. The power of promise, possibility and redemption once more shine through. The beauty and luster are restored.

While the artist may have a fleeting thought of hanging the restored masterwork on the wall to protect it from the harsh reality of the world, it is only a fleeting thought. The Artist gives the painting the once over and then sends it back out into the world to share its message of hope. After all, that is what this work was created for…that is where it belongs.

2007-04-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

SURRENDER!

The retreat I anticipated at the beginning of this week has been fulfilled in ways that I couldn't possibly have imagined. The interior work of the Spirit has run deep...deeper than I've yet experienced. In fact, the Spirit has taken up rather obvious residence in the deepest recesses of my life, faith and ministry and begun to take the sheets of the furniture and raise the shades on the window. The dark and dusty depths are being exposed to the light. Even though these areas that have been covered over a long time are now revealed and I suppose I should feel a little vulnerable, instead I am rejoicing at this. With the light has come liberation.

This work can be centered around once concept...Surrender. This has been the theme for the day. In the morning I considered the nature of my striving and my struggles in faith and ministry. I considered how the need to prove myself, particularly in stressful and challenging times, and what becomes a sliding off in my spiritual practices demonstrates a fundamental lack of trust in God, in others and in myself. The word that kept coming up was "surrender." I came to terms with a truth that I have known and preached and was able to apply for the first time to my own deep need. The times that I am least inclined to surrender and most likely to hold things closely and go my own way are the times I most need to surrender.

This afternoon as we were considering spiritual practices of leadership and in particular spiritual practices in the area of conflict new insights were born. I've long struggled with and argued with myself about my own predisposition away from conflict. I had to come to terms with my own fundamental errors in regard to conflict in the church. There will never, ever (at least on this side of heaven) be a time when conflict will not exist in the church. Christ himself reminded us of this. There is no way whether by leadership acumen, force of will, depth of spirituality or force of personality that will stem this tide (I knew that, but I chose, instead, to believe a narcissitic fairytale). Into this came surrender. Suddenly a spiritual practices approach to conflict became a concrete way toward submission.

I continued my walk, praying my breath prayer "Shepherd of the Flock--show me Your way." I reflected on the vision that God was springing forth in my life and I continued to reflect on surrender. As I walked and communed with the very obvious presence of the Holy Spirit, the weight of surrender began to grow. With each step, surrender and the thought of it became more and more a burden.

At that moment the most amazing transformation took place. I began to recall the joy, the exuberance and the sense of liberation that flowed out of the healing and release that I had experienced yesterday. It struck me in that moment that surrender was not a burden to carry. It is laying down the burden of feeling that I need to be the focal point of ministry, that I needed to be the catalyst for change and that the success and failure of the church was not dependent on wholly on ME!! (I already new this, too; I just wasn't sure I believed it). That was the burden that I needed to lay at the feet of Christ. That is what has been tripping me on my journey. That is the burden that I am called to lay down. That is what I must surrender. This surrender is what will enable me to take the next steps where Christ will lead me.

Shepherd of the Flock--Show me Your way.

2007-04-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

Escape or Retreat

As I fly high above California's Central Valley on my way to the 7th week of the Academy for Spiritual Formation the question of escape or retreat is beginning to focus my awareness. I had noble intentions to post last week. I had a wonderful reflection on the book of Ezekiel, which I will probable post in the future. Life and death got in the way of those intentions. Monday began with the tragedy at Virginia Tech University. The week became increasingly impacted as each day passed. Pastoral care needs grew as parishoners entered the hospital and one returned home from the hospital with hospice care. By midweek it was already a full week, but it was not over. I caught wind of a threat at one of our local high schools. It was a graffiti threat invoking the memory of the Columbine High School shooting of 1999. The threat was eventually deemed a hoax, but the emotions were already raw given the events in Virginia and the growing reports of campus and workplace violence across the country.

The sermon that I had intended to preach about the transformational power of the resurrection was taking on new and very real dimensions. Bearing witness to the power of the resurrection to continue to transform lives was becoming more and more necessary as we became increasingly confronted with the pain, grief and brokenness that was expressing itself in violence across the country.

Thursday's early morning sleep was interrupted by a call to the home of a church member whose adult daughter had been murdered in her home by her estranged husband, who then took his own life. This crime was witnessed by the couple's three children. I have been concerned about family violence for a number of years. I have, in my previous congregation, held annual domestic violence awareness events to raise people's consciousness about the epidemic. I didn't realize how much I'd back burnered this ministry until I was confronted with the pain of this family. It became very difficult and much more real than it had ever been as I ministered to this family.
I have arrived in San Francisco now and am sitting in a Starbucks enjoying a relatively quiet moment in anticipation of the beginning of the week. As I feel myself begin to unspool from the week's events I'm working through the conflicted feelings of whether I'm "escaping" or "retreating". There is a significant part of me that could very easily run away from this. I think about the Bob Seger song, "Against the Wind" where he speaks these words that cry out from my heart today: "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." I could be content with keeping these tragedies, this kind of violence at arms length...someone else's family, someone else's congregation. I suppose that there is a certain amount of sanity and normalcy to a comment like this. But I also realize that that train has left the station. I do know now what I didn't know then. So I guess one could make the argument that escape is simply not possible.
Therefore, if escape is not possible what do I do with the idea of retreat? Retreat feels different. It isn't desertion. It isn't a permanent state of separation. It is not withdrawal with no thought of ever returning to the fray. As I begin this week my only thought is to take a deep breath. I want to slow down enough to breath in deeply the Spirit and the Spirit's power. I want to draw into my soul the Spirit's healing and wholeness. This is a time to rest a little, retool, resupply and reorient myself. One of the things that I know about myself is that I can very easily develop a bunker mentality. I sharpen my focus and narrow my field of vision in order to address a crisis. It happens quickly and almost imperceptibly but I have found it very difficult to break out of it without some kind of retreat.

Last week was a seminal week in my life and my ministry. It shook me in a lot of ways. By the grace of God, I have an opportunity this week. I have a retreat laid out before me and I pray that I might experience the grace that I will need to grow into this new experience. This is not simply a prayer for myself. It is a prayer for my church family. It is a prayer for all whose lives have been touched and forever altered by violence. It is a prayer for all those who are searching for a new way through.

2007-04-02T20:32:00.001-07:00

Is Monastic Community Possible?

This may seem like an odd question in the early 21^st Century. In our highly individualist culture this may seem an inappropriate question. The prospect of living in cloistered communities, under order, taking spartan vows and living in poverty may seem completely out of step with post-modern culture; however, I believe that there are important lessons about the modern church that we can learn by taking a fresh look at monastic life.

There has been a lot of evidence in the media about a growing trend toward narcissism in the society at large. I’ve seen emerging evidence of a “me” culture and the obsessive drive toward personal satisfaction. From user defined content on the internet to a consumer driven culture that packages patriotism with material consumption we are being sold on the notion that we owe it to ourselves to satisfy every desire. This culture is creeping into the church. I’ve seen a creeping trend toward a satisfaction-based commitment to the church. What I mean is this: As long as a person is satisfied with what they are getting from the church everything is fine. When something happens to destabilize that satisfaction some will leave in search of a church that will satisfy their needs. The Church of Jesus Christ, the Body of Christ, is not built on a satisfaction-based model. The church is fashioned by the work of the Holy Spirit and through our unparalleled commitment to Jesus we come into alignment with that Body that exists independently of us.

In the last few weeks I’ve been reading through the monastic rule of Benedict of Nursia. This monastic rule has established a community of faith that has existed for more than 1500 years. This rule raises commitment to Christ to be the first and unequaled commitment. No other human want or commitment can compete with this commitment to Christ. This is an austere path to community, but given the current trend in our culture, there may be something to be said for this sort of commitment. While Benedict’s call to physically live in community may not be part of Christian’s calling, we can live in the spirit of that kind of radical commitment to Christ in which we put our commitment to Christ and the community above our own wants.

As I’ve read the Benedictine Rule, I’ve been confronted with some of my own shadow side. As I’ve lamented the emerging satisfaction-based commitment to the church, I’ve realized that the ego-centric roots of a consumer culture church have been present in my own life. I’ve labored with my own sense of entitlement about what the church should be like. I’ve come to the difficult realization that simply because I am the Senior Pastor I’m no more entitled than anyone else to have my wants satisfied. Since I have no intention of leaving and I can’t expect all of my wants to be satisfied, I’m forced to come up with a middle way. I’ve known for a while that the church wasn’t about me and my ego but this represents a much deeper learning of that truth. It’s been relatively easy to not invest my ego in the church when things were going fairly well. It has been in times of conflict that I realized I haven’t completely taken my ego out of the equation.

Through reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer and reflecting on my own frustrations and anxieties I’ve come to understand more completely that the Church, the Body of Christ, exists independently of us. The Church exists before us and it is not our creation. We don’t shape the church. The Church was created through the work of the Holy Spirit as the means by which God calls us out of our sin into a life of faith. Through the Baptismal Covenant we become initiated into the community that existed before us. It is pure hubris to expect the church to conform to our wishes. It is our faithful work to bend our wishes and wants to the community through our singular commitment to Christ…even for pastors this holds true. I can not expect everyone to be on their best behavior and to fly in formation all the time.

2007-03-19T11:53:00.001-07:00

Pressing on Through the Desert

Perseverance is a critical Christian value. We are reminded by Paul to persevere through the difficult times of our life when we face illness, brokenness and adversity of any sort. Paul reminds us of the powerful words of grace that inspire strength in tribulation. I've been thinking about perseverance in relation to the spiritual journey and realizing the importance of Philippians 3 where Paul encourages us to press ahead and to strain toward the goal of knowing Christ more completely.

I'm writing this posting from a mountaintop in Joshua Tree National Park. I have a beautiful view toward the community of Twentynine Palms, CA and the pristine desert valley that stretches toward the horizon before me. It is a gorgeous day and I see this as a moment of grace.

It was no easy task to get here. It required hiking through sandy washes, over rock strewn hillsides and up countless hillside switchbacks. In 90+ degree heat it was a chore to get here. All along the trail I continued to meditate on Paul's encouragement to the church to press ahead, to strain forward to knowing Christ more completely. I felt those words as encouragement on the trail. This is the first time I've ever hiked this trail, so I didn't know where I would end up, but I had the expectation that it would be excellent and that the destination would make the strain of the journey worthwhile.

Pressing ahead, straining toward the prize of knowing Christ more completely, even through the desert, is a vital practice in the spiritual life. The desert has a life and vitality of its own. Perhaps it is more barren than we might be comfortable with, but if we are willing to look beyond the surface of the seemingly barren places on our journey, we will find life and grace in unexpected places. While trekking through the arid and desert regions of my life isn't a trip I'd want to take with great frequency, I suppose God is showing me that the desert is not something to be feared or disdained.

2007-03-10T21:05:00.001-08:00

A Normal Day

With all of the movement and changes in my life and spirit in the last few weeks I was beginning to lose the sense of God's presence in the ordinary. The tectonic movements in my faith and self-understanding have been so large that normal, everyday days were feeling a bit dry. I suppose that this is predictable if only by comparison. I have experienced so much healing in my life and spirit that my sense of renewal is off the chart. The shadow side of the feeling of liberation with which I've been blessed is that I've found it very easy to avoid having my feet on the ground.

This week I've found the sustaining grace of God in the everyday, not in the loftiness of ecstatic experience but with my feet firmly planted on the ground. The grace in this is that it is changing my view from the street level. Even as I write this posting I've been confronted with the reality of the messiness of sin and the human condition in my work and ministry. Standing in the midst of the mire even today, I’ve had the assurance of the Spirit which has served to remind me that the transformational power of the Spirit operates at eye level as well as in the clouds.

As I reflect on my journey of faith I'm experiencing again the truth that the healing, transforming and empowering grace of God is a companion on every step of my journey. Whether God leads my journey along the heights, above the clouds, or through the mire and muck of the world I am called to be rooted in the reality of the constancy of God’s transforming work unleashed within me and in the world around me.

2007-02-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

Coming to Grips with God’s Timing

Change and growth are an inevitable part of our faith journey. As we move through our life, and hopefully move closer to God in the process, there is an amazingly intricate dance that we do with God. There is no doubt that God has a purpose for our life. There are things that we are created to accomplish. There are certain lessons that we need to learn to accomplish them. There are hurts that need to be healed and there are experiences that have to be overcome. At the same time, God will not run roughshod over our free will. God’s purpose for our life doesn’t negate our free will. The result is that our life, our growth in grace and faith and our faithful and effective service aren’t likely to follow a seamless trajectory; hence the image of the dance.

The challenge for our perception is that we don’t always learn things, get the healing or overcome previous experience in a logical order. In these past several months of near vertical learning curve I’ve had experiences of growth in which I’ve asked the hypothetical question: “Why didn’t I learn this before?” or, “Why am I only learning this now?” It didn’t take long before I came to grips with the truth that for one reason or another, I simply wasn’t ready…small consolation, but I’m learning to deal with it.

After the learning that I experienced two weeks ago with regard to my family of origin issues (a story dealt with in my previous posting) and particularly the healing that came as a result of it, I never articulated it fully, but the question of why I was only learning these things about my life and family now lingered just below the surface. While I wasn’t actively seeking the answer, God offered me a gift. This is my journal entry from the very next day. While it won’t be customary to share my journal with the world, I share these two entries (my previous posting and now this one) because I wanted to share the immediacy of the experience. Both of these entries were written while in the throws of what for me were profound experiences of grace.

February 15, 2007

I thought that today would be a pretty mellow day. Yesterday was so eventful, so inspiring, so cathartic and so exhausting. It felt like the first truly healthy day that I had ever lived. It was the first day that I felt free of the oppressive influence of my dad. It scared the crap out of me to feel so vulnerable, but I could feel the presence of God sustaining me.

Then comes this morning’s input session and a brief consideration of the topic of Wesleyan Spirituality. As I read and heard the familiar words of Wesley’s inspiration, I could feel the Spirit’s movement and power stir deep within my soul and my experience. I began to imagine a road stretched out before me. The truths that my practice and belief have taught me have given me a framework and have been a means of God’s sustaining grace. The came the question that drew me into silence: who are you indebted to?

I began to think of all the people that have taught me, supported me, sustained me and guided me on the path, even to this day. I reflected on the fruit that, by God’s grace alone, my life and ministry have born. I lamented the ways that my life and ministry were compromised by the narcissism that I engaged in. I began to imagine the choking off of possibilities by the fear, the approval seeking and the move toward unhealthy self-protection. Into this awareness the Spirit thrust the Parable of the Wheat and the Tares. There was an immediate, physiological response that was profound. It took my breath away! I realized that yesterday was harvest time. The weeds that were sown in my earliest days and could not be removed without doing damage to the plant could now be safely pulled and thrown into the fire! This image was powerful and altered my perception, but for several minutes I remained out of breath. I wasn’t scared, per se, but it did have my attention. When I reached the destination where I had intended to write and reflect, a hymn came to me…"Breathe of my breath of God, fill me with life anew. That I may love what thou wouldst love and do what thou wouldst do.” Indeed, grace is my constant companion…a dept that God freely carries in order for me to be the person that God created me to be. My breath was restored. My life is restored.

2007-02-26T07:21:00.000-08:00

A Fresh Look at My Journey

My postings have been pretty sparse in recent months. Three months ago, during Week 5 of my Academy experience I was confronted with a truth about myself and my family that shook me to the core. For years I knew that my family was dysfunctional and that the bulk of the dysfunction orbited my dad. I had made assumptions about why my dad lived and related the way he did, but three months ago those assumptions came crashing down.

With the help of a trusted friend who is a therapist, I was able to recognize that my dad presents the classic behavior of a serious personality disorder. As I read more about the disorder, learned that it was largely volitional and looked more closely at the impact that being brought up in that environment had on me I became increasingly angry. I was angry at my dad and I was angry with myself. I saw significant chunks of my life, my relationships and my ministry adversely impacted by my choices and fears that were shaped by the influence of my dad and his disorder.

I was hurting in ways that I had never hurt before. I knew that I needed to be healed. Through my experiences in the Academy I could sense God at work bringing that healing. I had expectations of what I wanted it to be. As I shared my expectations of God's healing with a trusted colleague and friend, little did I know that by morning's end it would all change. The following is my journal entry from that life-changing morning.

“I had hoped for and prayed for an experience of healing that would provide me with a safe place to stand. As I have opened myself to grace I was still setting terms. I could sense that God was going to do a new thing in me this week. I hoped it would be something that would help me get over the anger that I still harbor toward Dad. I hoped I could learn forgiveness of self for the ways that I still act out of his example and influence. I was looking for a safe place to stand so that I could do battle with the demons of my past that are still bound to pop up from time to time. Then came the question: ‘Where have you experienced grace?’

The grace came when I realized that God did not fulfill my hope…but God did answer my prayer. I was looking for a quick resolution for something that developed in a lifetime. I suppose, at least subconsciously, I was looking to avoid the hard work of healing and transformation. In the end, I was looking to be set free from the pattern of avoidance that perpetuated the problem from which I needed to be healed. OUCH! Thanks God!!

Healing is not a place to stand that provides an advantageous battle ground. The answer to my prayer is the acceptance that the healing I seek is part of my lifetime journey of faith. It is a journey in which grace is my constant companion. It is a journey taken with a community of caring and accountability. It is a journey of vulnerability during which I won’t be able to count on having the most advantageous ground to fight from when the demons come. Therefore it is fundamentally a journey of trust. This is a journey I can take, not because of any particular ability that I possess. I take this journey without the benefit of a map. I take this journey with no pretense of leadership or control. I take this journey willing to take God’s hand and be led.”

2007-01-31T23:08:00.000-08:00

Putting Down Roots

In worship a couple of weeks ago I spoke of prayer as a way of putting down roots into God wherever we happen to be. I used the illustration of a Banyan tree to make the point. In particular, I had in mind the Banyan tree that has stood on the grounds of the Old Courthouse of Lahaina on the island of Maui. This is an amazing tree! Planted in 1873 the tree now covers nearly 2/3 of an acre. Needless to say it is a sight to behold. The pictures included in this posting were taken when I visited in 2005.

This Banyan tree illustrates a truth about prayer that has taken hold in my life and faith. As this tree continues to spread out covering so much ground the branches end up further and further away from the roots. To overcome this distance, presumably, the tree will drop roots down from the branches that seek out the nourishment of the ground below. When the roots reach the ground and take hold in the life giving soil they solidify and thicken they become not only sources of nourishment but also strong support for the ever expanding tree.

In my life of prayer there is great value to this image. If my life was to cover but a little area, like most coniferous or deciduous trees I would remain close enough to my roots so as to keep nourishment close. However, the tree of my life is anything but modest in scope. I think the image of the Banyan tree speaks so deeply to my experience because like it, my life seems to take off with abandon in every direction. I also realize that I need all the support that I can get as I move farther and farther from my root, the core of my being. Continuing to put down roots for nourishment and support as my life ventures out in every direction is not simply essential. I’ve come to discover that deep and vibrant prayer, sinking down roots into the nourishment of God’s grace and presence, is not just vital. It is the difference between life and death.

Each day I grow deeper into this pattern of prayer that is more than simply something I do, I learn that it is the grace that I receive from God in return that enables me to reach out, live and grow in faith.

2006-12-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

Remembering Who I Am

I love the sound of running water. The sound of the small table top fountain in my office provides a soothing background soundtrack to my day. Summer evenings in my backyard are often taken up next to the small pond complete with waterfall. The sound of water flowing is a powerful reminder of who God has shown me to be.

I’ve always enjoyed the sound of running water. One day, I will have a baptismal font in our Sanctuary that features running water. There is such a strong connection for me between water and baptism. In general, I will seek out whatever opportunities I can to touch water and remember my baptism. Like my United Methodist colleagues, I don’t believe that re-baptism is necessary, but frequently remembering our baptism (or that we have been baptized) is a vital part of growing in faith, spirituality and discipleship.

Lately though, there has been some movement for me at the core of this experience. For most of my life, I’ve been quite uncomfortable with the idea of crossing myself (ala the Roman Catholic tradition). I understand the act of crossing as a convenient way to remember the means of Christ’s sacrifice and the Holy Trinity, but it always seemed so perfunctory. However, in the last month, as I’ve touched the water in my office or the water at the entrance of the sanctuary at the monastery I often visit, I find my self drawn to crossing myself. As I engage in this act, I’m not specifically thinking about the Holy Trinity. Instead I’m remembering that in the waters of baptism and my subsequent call to ministry I’ve been claimed by and for the cross of Christ. It is this claim that must define who I am and how I view my ministry and the world.

What is earth shaking for me is not the simple realization of this truth. I’ve known this for a very long time. The shaking comes from deep within my spirit. I’m claiming this not as an intellectual truth or belief, as it is something that is simply attached to me. I’m experiencing this truth at the deepest level of whom I am and who I am with God. I realize more deeply than I ever have before that I come to the font, the table, the pulpit, the sick bed and to the manger not as a spectator but as a participant. I belong there not because of my choice but because of God’s choice of me.

What I’m finding is that this deep and deeply personal transformation that is happening in me is continuing to well up and spill over into every aspect of my life and ministry. Distractions and detours still come up from time to time, but the durations are shrinking and I’m more quickly finding my way back to the path. Remembering who I am at such a deeply spiritual level and the ability to touch this truth is keeping me and drawing me ever closer to Christ.

2006-12-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

The Difference Between Being Productive and Being Faithful

Here I sit, dutifully typing this posting an hour before my final appointment of the day. As I bask in the afterglow of a day in which I was able to cross off a lot of items on my task list, I’m reflecting on the changes in my spirit that have increased by motivation and discipline to have a day like this. I can hear the voice of God speaking to me about the difference between productivity and faithfulness.

Task planning for me has always been drudgery. I just don’t like it. As one who has raised flying by the seat of my pants to the level of spiritual giftedness, I would often wonder why I should bother. Yea, I know…not very mature. GUILTY! This is something about which the Lord has been working me over for a several months now. Until recently I’ve been working toward a change of attitude regarding task planning, with only marginal results. There has still been an obstacle. Without getting into the gory details of how, the Lord blasted the obstacle. Since I was a lot closer to the obstacle than I would have imagined, I got pretty singed in the process (but that is a different story).

From this experience, the Lord has given me the vision of a clear difference between being productive and being faithful. In many respects it is rather simple to be productive. Have a vision, establish goals, clarify a strategy of different tasks that will provide measurable results and follow through on the strategy. Go simply and quickly from A to B to C to D and you wind up at the end. Production made easy. However, if we’re talking about discipleship and more so professional ministry there is a significant wrinkle to the equation.

When our emphasis is on accomplishing a preconceived (and even well conceived) action plan it is easy to become very heavily invested in the outcome of the plan. The more heavily invested we become in a preconceived outcome, the easier it is for us to ignore a variety of other needs and possible outcomes that don’t fit within our expectations. Very soon, even ministry plans become wrapped around our personality and ego. As disciples called to follow Christ we are constantly being reminded that ministry isn’t about us.

When we seek to be faithful, we seek to empty our self before God. This doesn’t mean that we completely divest our self from the ministry we do. We do invest our passion for Christ. We do invest our passion for God’s reign. We do invest our deep desire to be an instrument of Christ’s peace. What we do not invest is our ego, our sense of self-worth or our feelings of self-importance. I’m being drawn to apply this truth into even the most “mundane” task. I can see how to empty myself in the face of such a task so that I don’t resent the task as a waste of my time. Instead, I’m learning how to see such things as pieces of the larger whole that is my call to servant ministry.

Learning to empty our self is wrapped up in prayer. As we learn to pray in silence, to engage in meditative or contemplative prayer, we learn to step out of the limitations of self and ego that would obscure our experience of God. Learning a rhythm of prayer that allows for the lifting of self, of our needs, the needs of those around us, our fears and anxieties and then trusts God enough to step outside of self enables to more clearly see the limitations of self that limit our ability to be faithful in ministry.

2006-12-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

Working the Field

This is a bit of a departure from routine…

It began as the smallest of patches…the tiny parcel of my life where Christ was at work. At first Jesus only used others as the tools to break up the soil of my life, clean out the debris and fertilize my soul and prepare me for planting. The first harvest did bear fruit and yet Christ dreamed of more for me. Wider and more abundant harvests were what He had in mind. Jesus began to push out the boundaries of this little plot of land. In this expanded plot the process of clean-up, fertilizing and planting continued. In due season, the harvest came and all of Jesus’ work, and the work of so many others was rewarded with greater abundance and a pleasing sweetness.

In God’s time I awoke to what Jesus was doing in me. By His grace and teaching he sharpened me to turn the soil deeper, bring out the rocks and obstacles and bring up the richness that had been created in my life. With each new season of preparation Jesus pushed out the boundaries still further. As the parcel of my life grew, the seed He planted never ran out. The Master Planter always had enough. The harvests began to grow and after each harvest Jesus would share his plans for the next year’s planting. Now, we are partners in the work of tending my field. There is no fear left, occasionally some anxiety, but nothing that passes for fear.

My small patch has now become a vast plantation. It bears its fruit in due season according to the grace of God. How something is different! It is no longer enough for me to work my own field. It is time to go with Jesus and be a laborer with him in someone else’s field. It’s time for me to share with others what has been given to me.

2006-10-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

The Seven Year Itch

It hit me recently that I’m starting my seventh year in my current church. I realized that I haven’t been in the same place for seven years since I was a teenager. Furthermore, this is the longest appointment of my ministry. That was somewhat startling for me. Even though I’m not itching to leave (I hope to be here for many years), I’m realizing that there is something different about a seventh year for me. It’s a little unsettling because I’m forging new ground, but at the same time there is a certain sense of exhilaration.

This morning as I was spending time with God I had a moment where I looked back on the year that has been. I looked back from a good place, a peaceful place from which I’ve known and experienced and ever deepening awareness of God’s presence. There was a brief moment where the question “why did it take so long?” floated into my consciousness. This is not the first time that I’ve had that thought. My learning curve has been so steep the last year that this particular question has been an almost constant companion. I learned to live in this question and instead of it producing anxiety, recrimination and guilt it has become an open door through which I’ve learned to recognize God’s hand in the intricate weaving of my life. I know now that all of the seemingly disparate events and circumstances in my life have been joined together by grace to form something extraordinary. Even the painful experiences, those marked by rejection and failure, have added something special to the picture by their contrast. God has indeed made something beautiful out of my life in spite of my best efforts to buck the trends, second guess and just generally not pay attention.

So, back to this morning…as I looked back from this vantage point bathed in grace I could see all of the different pieces of last year form this beautiful whole. It looked almost like one of those cool computer animations. I could see the pieces move. As the picture of the last year came together I began to look farther back in my life. I wanted to see where this all started. I was looking for square one. Methodically I looked back over my life hoping to find that one time, that one experience where it all began. I was looking for that day of new birth. While I was disappointed that I couldn’t find square one, I realized that this simply meant that there was no end to the string. I celebrated the realization that there was no time in my life (let alone my conscious memory) where God was not at work weaving this unique tapestry that is my life. Even when I remember my confirmation, when I made my profession of faith in Jesus, I realize that this blessed moment was a culmination and the weaving of my life to that point.

I suppose that the question of why certain things in my life, my faith and my understanding seem to take so long to be recognized will always be part of my life. Maybe that’s God’s way of keeping me from taking too much for granted. I hope and pray that when those times do come up in my life I will remember the picture that God painted for me this morning.

2006-10-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

Surviving the Flash Flood

By a strange twist of grace I find myself back in the place where my journey toward ordination took a huge leap forward. I am spending three days at the Passionist Retreat Center at the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains. This is the place where, in 1988, I was interviewed by the Conference Board of Ordained Ministry and recommended for Deacon Ordination and Probationary Membership in the Annual Conference. It was a daunting time and a very humbling time. Once of the most cherished memories of that experience was taking a hike back into the dry wash that lets out of the mountains nearby the Center. All of us who had been recommended for Deacon’s Ordination went for a walk and forged bonds of friendship that sustained us in those early years of ministry. In addition to that cherished memory, today, the wash holds a new and very different image.

If you’ve followed my blog the last few months you’ve noticed that the postings have been a bit lean both in content and frequency. The last few months have been pretty arid for my spirit. I’m not sure that I can account for how I became so dry, in fact I’m not sure I need to account for it. It was a dry time. I’ve come to understand from reading the desert mothers and fathers that dry times will come and go. To use another image, the dark night of the soul is a frequent companion on our spiritual journey.

I’ve experienced enough grace and enough assurance of God’s presence in the last year that I wasn’t freaked out by this period of barrenness. I knew that these times would come and go. It didn’t make it any less dry. It didn’t dull the impact of feeling less of God’s presence and more of God’s absence. I still lamented the sense of spiritual isolation I was experiencing. I missed the feeling of God walking in the garden of my life. (I should clarify that I don’t believe God was absent…I know God was there. I simply was not in a place where I could experience God’s presence as joy) Thankfully, one of the things that this period didn’t do was wear down my senses. In the last week or so I could sense a reawakening of my spirit. I was emerging from this barren time as the first gentle drops of autumn rain fell in my life. The dry and thirsty soil of my spirit came back to life.

The dry washes in my life were laying in wait for the torrent of water that was about to barrel through. These washes were unable to fulfill their primary purpose of facilitating the movement of grace through my life. They lay in wait unable to generate by sheer force of will the grace that would move through them. Though the falling rain of God’s grace was felt first as small drops in my life, above me, just out of my sense it was raining buckets and cascading down. The flood gates of God’s ever presence had opened up, my parched spirit was satisfied and what had just a few days ago felt stagnate has now roared to life. Today I sense with renewed clarity the power of God’s Spirit blowing through my life. I’ve learned to appreciate the barren time, even though it had its feeling of heartache and separation. That barren time was a time of preparation for what God is bringing next in my life, my spirit and my ministry.

Be prepared, hold onto hope, if you can identify one of these dry washes in your life where grace may have once freely flowed, it will flow again. Even it seems now that you are in an intractable drought, droughts don’t last for ever. Just as the rains eventually come, so too will God’s grace. Your spirit will spring to life once more and your life will be renewed.

2006-09-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

Starting Over or Starting Again

The last few weeks seem to have been nonstop. Aside from a week of vacation (in Maui, very relaxing) I’ve been on the go. This morning as I paused to do my devotion (a far too rare event in recent weeks), I got hit with a stark realization. It felt as though I had suddenly regained consciousness, as if I’d been walking around unconscious for a number of weeks. This was a powerful image. It reminded me of the insidious nature of a life that becomes too busy and unbalanced. It was troubling for me to realize that all of the progress that I’d made, to that point, in having my time with God be intentional and sacrosanct crumbled (if only temporarily) in the onslaught of a too-busy life. It was a time of lament as I came to terms with the things in my life that edged God out of the center.

While I have spent a fair amount of time today mulling over the last few weeks, I’ve not wallowed in feelings of guilt. God poured out grace. In times past when I’ve gone through this cycle of attention and lack of attention I’ve often been left with the feeling of starting over. I’ve had times when I felt like I had to start over, from square one, after this period of inattention to my spirit. This feeling would often inspire a fair amount of guilt. Worse still, I’d feel pretty stupid for feeling like I was having to go back and learn lessons and do things that I’d done many times before. The double-whammy in this is it has often taken me longer to reengage in my devotional practices because I didn’t want to confront the feelings of guilt and stupidity that came with thinking that I had to start over.

I sense that my feelings are probably not unique. I don’t know too many people who relish the idea of constantly starting over. I suspect that it is not in our nature to run in small circles in our life. I don’t know too many people who embrace the idea of living in a “habi-trail”…you know those small tanks with tunnels and wheels that make up the domesticated habitat of mice and other small rodents.

The gift that God gave me this morning is that this regaining of consciousness doesn’t mean that I’m starting over. I’m simply starting again. Semantics? I suppose you could make that argument; however I don’t think so. To say that I’m starting over suggests that everything that I’ve experienced in my life with God, all the things that I’ve shared in this blog had somehow reached an expiration date because they lay fallow for a season. Furthermore, this would suggest that the Spirit’s work in my life was somehow not eternal but temporal and unable to withstand action or inaction. It might even suggest that during the times that I might become too distracted to pay attention to my ongoing life with God that God takes a vacation from me. I just can’t buy that.

No, I believe that I’m starting again…Dusting off the pieces and picking up where I left off. The pieces might be a little dull. A few of the pieces might need a little oil. One or two may not fit well because they’re a little parched. But, all the pieces are still there. In fact, if I’m truly paying attention, I may reflect on the causes and nature of this “season away” and discover that there are things to learn that might help me prevent or get on track more quickly from these times of inattention. Who knows…upon reflection I will very likely discover that even though I may not have been diligently paying attention to God, I’ll be shown the evidence that God was paying attention to me. That is my hope.

2006-08-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Swimming in the Mystery

As I reflect on the last year and the renaissance of spirituality that I’ve experienced, I can’t help but marvel at the ways that I’ve experienced God and how my perspective of the world, myself and my ministry have been transformed. I’ve come to terms with the indefinable mystery of spirituality. I know that I am simply not able to describe the nature of my relationship with Jesus with the same precision (if you would call it that) that I might describe my understanding of who Jesus is (Christology). This is a difference for me and a striking one at that. So what is a theologian to do when trying to describe the indescribable? While words and concepts may not be up to the task, I have discovered the power of memory, metaphor and image to describe the mysteries of spirituality.

The image of swimming in the mystery of Christ’s presence in my life is an image that is rooted in childhood memory but speaks so powerfully to what I’ve experienced in the last year. Before moving to California at age 15, we lived on a small private lake in Michigan named Jeffrey Lake. Up to the time we moved west the lake had always been a part of my life as the house that we lived in had been built by my grandparents in the mid 1950s. This beautiful little lake was always quiet as no motorized boats were allowed on it.

Summers at the lake were life-giving. There was a small raft just off shore that made for a wonderful swimming platform. The lake itself was clear and pristine. A rock dropped off the raft could be seen for 20-30 feet before it disappeared into the murky depths. The lake itself was very deep with a soft bottom, so no one was really sure how deep it was. Through the years people who drove cars out onto the winter ice when it was too thin, would lose there car forever. In all the years my family was there, I don’t ever remember something being recovered. The water on the top layers, when heated by the summer sun, made for excellent swimming. By the time I was a teenager I could swim across the lake and took great pride in the accomplishment. As I swam across the warm surface waters of the lake I was often surprised with a spout of cool water rising from one of the many springs that fed the lake. As shocking as it was, it was always a joy. Only about half the shoreline was developed, leaving much of the lake a wild mystery occupied by swamp and forest, lily pads and giant bullfrogs, all manner of teeming creatures including water moccasins. To explore these wild edges in the family paddleboat was always an adventure for me. Even though there was a lot of unknown and even some danger around the edges and below the surface of this charming little lake I knew it as a place of comfort and peace.

In the last year, as I have explored and been challenged by a deeper spirituality and a more profound relationship with the risen Christ, it’s as if I’ve returned to the time of summertime swims in Jeffrey Lake. As I explore the edges of my relationship with Christ it is with that spirit of adventure and discovery. I know that I will find things that may challenge me and even create discomfort within me at the edges of my faith. I also know that there are depths to this experience that are beyond comprehension. However, I also know that the waters are warm and inviting, even with the occasional burst of cold water that comes unexpectedly I am comforted in its normalcy. Even though I feel now similar to how I felt when I swam across the lake for the first time, feeling that sense of conquering the lake, I know that I’ve only just begun to swim in the mystery of Christ’s presence in my life.

2006-08-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Spiritual Cataracts

One of the most compelling stories (and one of the most important stories as well) is the story of the Transfiguration of Jesus. The Transfiguration is that extraordinary story of Jesus’ trip to the mountain with Peter, James and John very shortly after Peter’s confession at Ceasaria Philippi. In that moment on the mountain Jesus appeared before the disciples with his face and garment gleaming white “as no fuller could bleach”. With Jesus appeared Moses and Elijah and the voice from heaven, the same voice that spoke when Jesus was baptized, spoke clearly again testifying to the identity of Jesus. I’ve always heard this story from the standpoint that it was Jesus who was changed before the eyes of the disciples and when Jesus changed, Peter’s confession took on new meaning. There is a lot about this interpretation that roots deeply in our experience.

This week, however, I heard an interpretation that has turned my relationship to that passage upside down. What if it was not Jesus who changed on that incredible night? What if it was the disciples who had changed? What if the truth of Peter’s confession hit critical mass in that moment, quiet and separated from the group? What if, for the first time, the disciples, Peter, James and John, truly saw Jesus as he truly was and had always been? What if the scales that covered their eyes fell away and for the first time they truly saw their Lord and Teacher?

This interpretation has exploded in my spiritual awareness and simply won’t be denied. The powerful truth of that interpretation became more than an abstract idea this week. It became a living, breathing, even visceral reality.

I can see in recent weeks a movement in my spirit away from living in an abstract reality of Christ presence and to a more conscious awareness of Christ presence as a physical reality. What I’m finding is that this is affecting my daily awareness of the world around me. It is affecting my prayer. It is affecting my service. It’s not that I hadn’t before lived in awareness of a risen and present Christ. Just as a seed grows, matures, bears fruit and goes through its ongoing cycle of fruit bearing so has my awareness and understanding of Christ grown. But this is different! No longer is my understanding and experiencing of Christ hermetically sealed and tucked away as a curio in the dust free environment of my intellect. My eyes have been opened; my spiritual cataracts have been stripped away. I see Jesus now more clearly than at any other time in my life. What once was a dimmed awareness of Christ’s presence has exploded onto the terrain I walk each day.

Jesus was not the one who changed. It is my life and awareness that has been transformed. This transformation has been a gift from a patient Christ who has been waiting to greet me not in the recesses of a well reasoned theology, but truly right be my side. The incarnation of Christ, which we speak of at Christmas, is now so much more than a good idea. It is the fundamental truth of my life with God. In the Jesus who walks at my side I truly greet the God who created me, loves me and has forgiven and redeemed me. I believe this not because I can describe it in words in concepts. I believe this because I have experienced it in my heart, in my eyes, in my ears and in my hands.

2006-07-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Taking Stock

For a few years I’ve been using (in an extremely uneven way) the Franklin Covey system for managing my time. It is an inspired system, what it requires of the user is a great deal of discipline and attention. This is where I find my greatest challenge. I’m not quite disciplined enough to use it effectively, however, I do get some use out of it. One of the elements of the system that is particularly powerful comes from Steven Covey’s work and it is referred to as Sharpening the Saw. This reference begs the story of the two lumberjacks that undertake a challenge to see who can chop the most wood in a given period of time. The first lumberjack dives into the forest with almost reckless abandon and because of his great stamina is able to chop for long periods of time with very little rest. The second lumberjack stopped frequently through the day in full view of the first. At the end of the day, the first lumberjack was crestfallen to discovery that he had lost the competition. In his dismay he confronted the second lumberjack with great skepticism about how he could have won the competition when he was taking frequent breaks. The second lumberjack told the first that his success came from the work of sharpening his axe every time he stopped.

I’ve come to believe that our spiritual disciplines are a “saw sharpening” activity. It is when we take that time during our day, on an ongoing and intentional basis, to connect with God that we keep our edge against the world.

This has been a week of reflection for me. I’m preparing to return for the 4^th Week of the 2 Year Academy. I’ve spent time preparing for what it is that God will do in my life next week. Unexpectedly, though, I think I’ve spent more time taking stock of where I am now with everything that God has done in my life thus far in my Academy experience. What I’ve discovered as been somewhat surprising. As I’m beginning to think more about how to share my learning on a broader level in my ministry, I’ve lost my edge for spending personal time with God. I don’t find myself back where I started a year ago, but I can see that point from here. It is much closer than I want to be.

The press of the world and the demands of life, ministry and work are quite insidious. There is always the temptation to be relevant, to be productive and to be obvious in our productivity. In our obsessive need to be seen as productive it is far too easy to lose the edge and far too difficult to value and be intentional about sharpening that edge. I suppose I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn about the discipline of the spiritual life. At the root of this learning is once again the discipline of silence. That has been the missing piece in the first last few weeks. It always seems that there is something that breaks the silence. There is always some need, some idea, some concern, some anxiety, SOMETHING that is insinuating itself into my time of silence. That is the classic problem of the spiritual life. I’ve yet to discover any technology that stems that tide; there is no silver bullet. There is no quick and easy solution. It’s all about learning focus over the long haul and giving up all of the distractions in those moments to God. Let God hold on to them for that moment of silence…if you need them back, I’m sure that God will give them back.

2006-07-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Manna From Heaven

I’ve taken some much needed down time in recent weeks, so I’m a little behind in sharing my journey. While I’ve been down, it has still been a very fruitful time. As I reflected and then wrote in my journal yesterday and interesting image came to mind. I remembered the story of the Israelites wandering in the desert and receiving the gift of manna. The gift of the manna to the Israelites was a daily gift from the God who walked with them and cared for them everyday. Each day the gift was not only the physical sustenance for a wandering people but it was the spiritual fulfillment of the covenant promise of God. Each day’s feeding was the reminder that God was not going to leave them.

I’ve come to find a special place in my heart in this story. It links me powerfully to the reminder of the Lord’s Prayer of God’s sustaining power when we pray “give us this day our daily bread.” It is neither mistake, nor a random inclusion into the prayer when Jesus included this beautiful phrase to His instructive prayer. Whether we are remembering the manna or praying each day for daily bread we are called into remembrance that it is the Providential God that we’ve come to know in Jesus that can and desires to meet our daily needs for life and sustenance.

As I reflect on and pray through my devotions, I’ve come to understand this story in a deeper and more nuanced way. I’m growing more and more into a discipline of daily worship and prayer and more regular journaling and reading in spirituality. I’m beginning to discover that I need to do this not simply because regular practice helps build th

2006-06-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

A Deeper Understanding of God as Refuge and Strength

The early life of King David has been rattling around inside my spirit this week. I’ve been thinking about his early life before Saul tried to have him killed, before he assumed the throne of Israel and certainly before the whole business with Bathsheba. I’ve been reflecting on what his early life might have been before he was anointed by Samuel to be King over Israel. In those early days, David, being the youngest of the family, had the dubious job of tending the family’s herds. He was a shepherd. Not that this was necessarily a throw away job, it was very important, but it didn’t carry with it a lot of honor or prestige. You wouldn’t think it to be fit training for a King (or would you? This might be the subject of another posting). What it did bring was a lot of work. It brought a lot of solitary hours. It also brought a certain aroma.

We don’t know what David did with all of those lonely hours tending the family herds. Although, one of the seminal early stories of David’s life might give us some insight into what he might have done to pass a good many of those hours. When David went out to the field of slaughter, where the Philistines, led by Goliath, were wreaking havoc on the Israelites; instead of being terrified at the carnage he was indignant at what he saw. When he saw the warriors of Israel shrink in the face of the danger and the chaos he became outraged. He determined to fight Goliath himself. He would not let this Gentile humiliate God’s chosen in this way. He went into battle supremely confident; not in his own ability, but in God’s great power and promise. He knew the Lord to be with him. He chose not to wear the armor offered to him by Saul; instead, he took the weapon he knew how to use, a sling and five smooth stones. He went into battle not on Goliath’s terms but on his own and he was assured of God’s presence.

We don’t know where this confidence, trust and assurance came from, it isn’t recorded. However, my recent experiences with God have given me a viable theory. It seems plausible that during those lonely hours of shepherding, God and David spent a great deal of time together. Before the ancient forms of Israelite worship had really taken hold, while they still worshipped in the Tabernacle in the days before the Temple, I believe that David learned a life of spirituality, one on one with God out in the pasturelands of Israel. David himself recounts the times that he knows the Lord delivered him from the dangers of herding sheep in the wild. David knew first hand the providential care of God. I am persuaded that David knew his strength was in the Lord and that is all that he needed.

In the face of the battle and the chaos that Goliath represents, David remained secure and assured in his faith. Chaos is not something to be feared, because there is not chaos that God’s power and providential care can not subdue. This has become an important lesson for me. As I continue to learn and grow and as I continue to experience God stretching me into new and ever changing landscapes there is a certain amount of chaos that can be expected with it. There are times in my life when I can take the chaos personally, as if it was my fault. Chaos brings out the worst in me. I feel as though it is my sole responsibility to overcome it. I turn into a control freak as if I had to wrestle chaos to the ground in a WWF Smack Down style contest. There are other times when the chaos simply paralyzes me. I begin to second guess myself and my decision making. It can simply grind me to a halt.

And then there’s David, confident in the face of chaos and imminent doom. He is confident not because he is cocky and self assured. He is assured of God and for him that is enough. There is a lesson in that for me. When chaos seems to break all around me, it is through the time that I spend with the Lord in prayer that I come to a deeper understanding that God is my Refuge and my Strength. Just as David must have been shaped in all of those solitary hours with God so God can shape and assure me as I continue to grow in grace and my experience of God’s abiding presence.

2006-06-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

Answering a Question
I’m blessed by the input that I’ve received from the people who are sharing this journey with me. I’m not sure how many people read this effort, and in the end the numbers aren’t that important. If one person is finding blessing from my sharing I count it as blessing. One of the e-mails I received last week requested that I share some of the tools, methods and habit changes that have helped me to more effectively deal with the distractions to discipleship that can be so evident in our lives. So here it goes.
I’ll begin with tools and methods. For the purposes of this discussion, I’ll refer to them as spiritual practices. The primary experience that has opened the door to this change is learning (or more specifically relearning) the discipline of silence. As I stated in a previous posting, I’ve come to understand more deeply the power, purpose and nature of silence as a spiritual discipline. The intentional act of engaging in silence as a spiritual discipline is the act of connecting with the Holy Spirit who is always present and active in our life. Silence as a distinct form of prayer (distinct from praise, intercession, petition, etc.) in which we open our self to the voice of God. For me time spent in silence is not a void, rather it is a conscious effort to seek out and tune my life to the movement of the Holy Spirit.
A second spiritual practice is one that I would call “remembrance.” Following Paul’s admonition to the church to “pray without ceasing”, living in a way that our life is filled with reminders of the ongoing presence of the resurrected Christ with us is what I mean when I talk about the spiritual practice of remembrance. In this act of remembrance we remember not only that Christ is with us but that Christ has claimed us opens the gateway to an intentional way of living in a world that often stands in opposition to the Gospel. Finding ways to remember that are authentic to our life and experience are the determining factor for an effective spiritual discipline of remembrance. For instance…I use an Anglican Rosary as a means of being intentional in my prayers for others. After a while, I came to realize that that simple ring of beads could be used for another purpose. After reading a quote by Mother Teresa where she essentially prayed “may I never let go of the hand of Jesus, even under the guise of serving the poor,” I was claimed by a new prayer: may I never let go of the hand of Jesus, even under the guise of preaching the Gospel. To that end, my rosary spends a lot of time in my hand through the day and becomes a tangible reminder that my life belongs to Christ and it is Christ who I follow in the world.
A third spiritual practice is to read more in the realm of spirituality. In essence, I’m filling in learning in a discipline that has been, until now, widely absent. My reading those is not a merely academic exercise. I’m not reading so much for learning knowledge but reading to experience the witness to the transforming truth of grace. My reading list includes ancient and modern writers in the spiritual disciplines. This list includes Augustine, Thomas a Kempis and Carlo Carretto just to name a few.
What has brought all of these disciplines together is a change of perspective which has led to a change of habit. I’ve been learning to approach the entirety of my life as a spiritual practice. Everything, from my morning and evening prayer to the completion of my daily “task” list, are being transformed into spiritual disciplines. I’m learning (and it will take a while) to more completely see the totality of my life as an act of prayer and worship. Every act of my life is an act that either draws me closer to Christ (where I breathe the Spirit with every breath) or leaves me mired in the muck of “Caesar’s world.” There is a time in my life when I would have thought a life of this kind of discipline as a tall order and well beyond my reach. However, I’ve come to realize that by God’s grace this is a worthy, necessary and meaningful goal to work toward. I may or may not achieve the discipline and intentionality I envision; but I realize that the character of the journey is more important than the destination.

2006-06-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

A Beautiful Day Apart
Monday was my monthly retreat day. The idea of a retreat day, a day apart to pray, study, meditate and simply be with God, was born out of my experience of the Academy. I’ve come to appreciate more and more the time that I spend alone with God. This last retreat day was the most powerful yet. Each one of these experiences adds to my understanding of spiritual formation and deepens my relationship with God and the cumulative affect is blowing me away.
The human condition is stressful; that is a given. Regardless of our chosen vocation, family structure or lifestyle, stress goes with the territory. There are few days that go by when we don’t encounter hurt feelings, broken relationships, pain, shame, guilt, regrets or anger in some way, shape or form. These could be our feelings or they could be someone else’s feelings projected toward us. This is not meant to be a “woe is me” attitude; this is an observed reality. It is an observation. Given the likelihood of encountering stress in our life it is a wonder that any of us get anything done.
If you browse the self-help shelf of your local bookstore you’ll notice that they are crammed with a wide variety of options for dealing with the stresses of life in the skin of humanity. From the academics to Dr. Phil everyone has an opinion and a regimen for handling stresses. I don’t know if it is stubbornness, self-reliance or something else, but I don’t often put a lot of stock in the growth industry that is the current self-help phenomenon.
In dealing with the stresses of life, other people’s and my own, I’ve had a tendency to internalize them. I have such deep empathy for other people that I can easily carry their pain as my own. This sort of internalizing of other people’s pain is an engraved invitation to any number of psychological problems. Over the years, I’ve learned how to be empathetic but not so deeply internalize the pain that is shared with me. In the last few months, I’ve learned more about my empathy and how to care for people who share their pain with me. I’ve learned more fully that I am not the source of another person’s healing. I may be an instrument of healing through my love and my empathy, but it is God who brings the healing. Through my own growth in the spirit, through prayer, silence, Sabbath, worship, study and intentionality, I’ve learned how to be present and care for people without letting their hurts become so internalized that it paralyzes me and diminishes my ability to serve for the long haul.
So now on to Monday…As I sat in the empty monastery chapel to do my morning worship I could feel the presence of the Spirit wash over me. Wave after wave, with each deep breath, through prayer, scripture, silence and journaling I could feel God’s Spirit washing me clean. For what must have been an hour this experience continued. I came to recognize that all of the stresses that had stuck to me and could have rooted like weeds in my spirit were still at the surface of my spirit and were easily washed away. Likes scales they fell off around my feet and I found myself refreshed. The things that caused the stress, the hurts, the failures, the anxieties were still present. I didn’t care less about the people or the hurts that had been shared with me. There was no thought of cutting and running from these sources of stress. Instead, this experience of being washed clean empowered me and strengthened my compassion for all of the situations. As I have grown in grace and spirit, through the disciplines I’ve learned through the Academy, I’ve discovered a new understanding of myself as an instrument rather than the source. I’ve learned new levels of trust in God. The taproot of my spirit runs more deeply into the nourishing wellspring of God’s grace.

2006-05-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

A New Way to Think About Witnessing
I started this journal several weeks ago simply to share my journey of faith. I don’t wish to claim superior knowledge or superior faith. My only desire is to bear witness to the transformation that God is bringing into my life. In the weeks that I’ve been engaged in this intentional journaling and reflecting I’ve been struck by the extraordinary power that comes from this kind of witnessing and sharing. Teaching and preaching certainly have their place in the realm of faith. The transmission of knowledge, understanding and wisdom from one person to another are vital links in the movement of faith throughout the human community and from one generation to the next. However, the transmission of knowledge, understanding and wisdom from “teacher” to “learner” is sometimes incapable of penetrating the depth of one’s spirit in the same way that simply sharing our faith journey with another can do.
I have shared with many friends the power that they have felt, both in the giving and receiving, in sharing their journey with someone else. I believe that there is a kindred spirit that can be developed between fellow travelers, even between very different people, when in grace and openness the journey of faith is shared. There is something very exciting about sharing with someone else the good news of what God is doing in your life! From the day to day feelings of God’s abiding presence and peace to those moments of amazing grace that break unexpectedly in our life God continues to bless us.
In these last eight months of journeying God, I have been blessed in extraordinary ways. Everything that God had done in my life up to the point last fall when I became engaged in the Two Year Academy helped to create an environment of openness and readiness to receive a fuller measure of grace. I’m not sure how many people are sharing my journey through this journal, and at the end of the day, the numbers don’t matter. If I can share this journey with even one person and you feel blessed by my sharing of the ways that God has worked to transform my life, then I give thanks to God for the sharing. If you’ve been blessed through my sharing, then please share that blessing with others in your life. Pray that God would help you to find your voice for sharing your witness to God’s grace. Through this sharing God will continue to make our lives and our world new.

2006-05-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

Getting Our Hands Dirty
One of the great obstacles of the spiritual life in the 21st Century is the influence that is exerted by the Information Age culture that surrounds us. As education levels have increased we have become an increasingly verbal and aural culture. We have become a people of words and ideas. The explosion of information oriented technologies such as e-mail, high speed internet, text messaging, PDAs and other such tools have left us in a sea of words. What we have lost is the power of experience. In a world that is becoming increasingly virtual, we are in danger of losing the importance of the visceral experience of touching something with our own hands. Ideas and intellectual thoughts play an important role in shaping our understanding of the world, but the deepest understanding of the world can’t replace the power of experiencing the world in sight and sound and touch.
This is particularly important as we consider our life with the God we know as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Our theology does play an important role in shaping our life; but we have to remember that our relationship is not to words and ideas. Our relationship is with a person; our relationship is with the God who created us, the risen Christ who still walks among us and the Holy Spirit that continues to blow through our lives. Relationships aren’t intellectual endeavors. Relationships require that we roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty.
The life of a disciple is a hands-on life. We don’t deal with the demands of Matthew 25:31-46 by sitting back and only praying or by simply writing a check. To care for the least of these, the brothers and sisters of the King requires us to invest ourselves completely. We are called to more than polite pro-forma types of visits with the sick, the homeless, the hungry or the imprisoned. We are called to compassion, to walk with people who are in need.
This life of active discipleship begins with an active spiritual life. To have a prayer life that does more than simply recollect the needs of others is what is required. In our prayers for the sick, the needy, the marginalized, the broken and the hungry we are called to a life of prayer that identifies with their pain (to the best of our ability). We are called to recognition of the spiritual and not merely the physical dimensions of their need. When we worship we are called to not simply sit back and wait to be entertained. Worship isn’t what is done for us. The act of worship is our act (individually and collectively) of seeking out the God who encounters us in worship and reveals God’s self to us. We are called to engage in the songs, the prayers, the scripture readings, the offerings and every element of worship with the zeal of a new Christian seeking to soak in the presence of Christ with every pore of their being.
Getting our hands dirty in our own spiritual formation means that we do everything we can do to seek out experiences (beyond words and ideas) of the God who is in our midst.

2006-05-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

Spiritual Thrill Seeking
I realize that the title itself might leave you with a bit of a disconnect. After all, it is difficult to compare spirituality with paragliding, base jumping, swimming with sharks or any other adrenaline junkie, x-games type pursuits. I look at these pursuits and can see how others might have some fun with it; and for the most part I realize that that sort of thing is generally not for me. However, over the weekend I had the good fortune to watch paragliders as I stood on the cliffs at Pacifica, CA, just south of San Francisco, and while I am not an adrenaline junkie, I must admit that there was something about watching others do it that was quite compelling. It looked so wonderfully peaceful. The people who were gliding on the currents above my head looked so happy and so free and I wondered what it would be like to be in their place. I know a few thrill seekers in my life and while I might not jump out of a plane with them, there is something about that free spirited, on-the-edge lifestyle that can be instructive for our spiritual pursuits.
It becomes so easy for us to get rooted into a very narrow routine of spirituality and experience with God. Most of us tend to be creatures of habit. We know what we like and we like what we know. We can easily become comfortable, then complacent and then largely unresponsive to new opportunities to experience God outside of our narrowly defined spirituality. In the process of this narrowing it is not just we who get narrowed, but in our mind, we begin to narrow and limit God. We lose the sense of the mystery, power and omnipotence of God. We lose the sense of the promise that God’s creative activity didn’t end with the sixth day. God continues to create, to recreate and to make all things new. God’s presence in our life, in the life of the church and in the world at large is a dynamic presence. This dynamic presence, when we allow it to happen (remember God seeks out our partnership on our own life), can and does continually shape our life, our experience, our understanding and our practice of Christ’s ministry in the world.
Growing in grace and our experience of God’s work in our life requires an ongoing spiritual awareness. Through prayer we attune our heart to God’s work. Through worship we continue to invest ourselves in God’s work in our life. Through study our understanding of how God has worked in the lives of our brothers and sisters is expanded. Through all of these, our experience of God grows and our eyes are opened and we see God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – in ever deepening and broadening ways. This also means learning different ways to pray. It means learning how brothers and sisters in different traditions and at different times have prayed and deepened their experience of God. This also means seeking out powerful new ways to experience and remember our Baptism and our invitation to Christ's table in communion. It means actively participating in an ongoing and deeper quest to know God (as Father, Son and Holy Spirit) more completely. When we engage in this pursuit our faith then becomes more deeply connected, in a personal way to the risen Christ in our midst. Rather than having faith focused simply on an idea, theological concept, thought or in a long ago memory, our faith is personal, rather it is in a person (Jesus). In this deepening relationship with the risen Christ in our midst, we find that our faith is not stale, but it is animated by the very breathe of God.
So, “spiritual thrill seeking?” Why not when we are willing to cast off the comfort of the familiar we will find God in some of the most exciting, challenging and unexpected places in our life. Open up, open your eyes, you’ll be amazed at what you’ll find.

2006-04-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

The Perfection Trap
One of the most persistent challenges in my life is reconciling the things that I can do with the things that I can’t do. I feel very fortunate and very blessed with the various abilities that God has given and nurtured within me. In any given day, I could accomplish a lot of things in many areas of my life. The shadow side of this ability is the expectation that grows within me that I ought to be able to, in turn, fix everything that goes wrong in my life. This is an insidious growth…it begins slowly and imperceptibly until one day I realize that I’m living with the expectation and feeling of entitlement that I ought to be able to fix everything that goes wrong in my life and my world. I feel as though I ought to be able to quickly and effectively troubleshoot anything (and by extension, anyone) operating outside of factory specifications. When it is proven that I am unable to accomplish these fixes, I get stressed, I get angry and I find myself seeking to exercise greater control over other areas of my life both to keep other things from falling apart and to prove, if only to myself, that I’m not a hopeless failure. I know…that all sounds pretty pathological…but as I learn more about this blind spot in my life and listen to others share similar struggles I am convinced that there are many of us in the world who labor in the shadow of this image of personal perfection.
So here is what I’ve learned: I can’t fix everything that goes wrong in my life, in my ministry, with my own father or with a Little League umpire. The question I’m learning to wrestle with is “how can I learn to be faithful to my calling in Christ when there is challenge and adversity in my life?” I have to come to terms with what faithfulness requires of me in these myriad situations. To talk about faithfulness rather than "fixing" in these situations takes me out of the realm of evaluating my actions and attitudes based on the world’s standards of success and failure. Whether or not my efforts to bring change, growth, healing, etc into any or all of these situations are “successful” are not what is at issue. What good would it be for me to “win”, to be successful in these situations if it came at the cost of my soul? What would be the consequences to my soul if winning brought spiritual death through acting in ways that are in opposition to the Gospel and my calling in Christ?
The human condition is to strive, to achieve and to get ahead. This is how we are wired. However, this becomes damaging to us when the drive to get ahead becomes the be all and end all of our existence. One of the things that feeds that drive is a fear of loss, rejection and emptiness. We are averse to these feelings of emptiness and loss, for the most part, because we equate them with absence. However, Easter teaches us that death and emptiness are not signs of absence; rather they are pregnant with possibilities for new life, new growth and new hope. The emptiness of the tomb that the women encountered on Easter morning led them to fear. They saw only the loss of the body of their crucified Lord. Instead the emptiness of that tomb was not loss; instead it was the first sign of the resurrection. It became the tangible anticipation of a new hope. In the emptiness of the tomb God is present and already at work.
This becomes a source of inspiration for us as we face loss, illness, death, experiences of failure or whatever emptiness is born out of the experiences of our life. We need not fear the emptiness. We need not become consumed with the unhealthy and unholy efforts to control or fix everything that is wrong in our life. We can’t fix everything. We can’t cause the sun to shine through the night. Instead we are called to labor through the darkness and emptiness in anticipation of what new life God will reveal when the sun breaks through the darkness and a new day begins. This labor is a work of worship and prayer. It is a work of silence and hope. It is the expectant waiting, trusting that God does not abandon us to the darkness.

2006-04-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

A Fresh Perspective
I discovered something pretty amazing this week. I had a friend turn me on to Google Earth. This is an amazing computer program that makes use of satellite coverage to get a bird’s eye overview of most of the planet. In the few hours that I’ve had it I’ve toured the Grand Canyon, Yosemite National Park, June Lake, CA, Joshua Tree National Park, Oahu, Maui, my friend’s house in Massachusetts and my own neighborhood. It allows views from more than 100 miles above the earth to just a few hundred feet. So much more can be seen from the bird’s eye view. It is easier to see the spatial relationships between landmarks, buildings and other features. Another feature of the software is the ability to tilt the angle and rotate around a fixed point. This allows for three dimensional renderings of a variety of areas on the map (I recommend the Grand Canyon 3D tour).
Would it surprise you to realize that this has led me to think a lot about perspective today? It is phenomenally easy to become locked into a narrow perspective of thought and action. With all of the things in the world around us, that push in on us, compete for our time and precious resources of spirit, energy and money; sometimes, the only thing we can do is put our head down, focus on the path and keep pushing forward. Sometimes we feel that if we don’t keep moving we might get stuck, lost and/or mired in a rut.
I’m learning that as part of my spiritual discipline I need to rise above the daily grind and look at all the pieces of my life and ministry again. The spiritual life is often like the constantly morphing jigsaw puzzle. As things change the contours of life and faith are continually transformed by grace. Just because all the pieces fit together once doesn’t mean they will always fit together the same way. Some of the pieces of our life grow continually and other pieces no longer fit at all. It is only when we take the opportunity to rise above the daily push that we gain the needed perspective to see if we are who and where we are.
This perspective is clearest when we keep our examination rooted in prayer. It is the Spirit who witnesses to us the truth about God and our self. It is also the Spirit who will witness to us the image and vision of who God has created us to be. That vision and calling will be rooted in the images of God’s continuing reign of love, mercy, justice and reconciliation. We will see our life as God sees it and as God hopes for us. In this image there will be grace and strength, power and promise to live into that vision. What’s more we know that as our life continues to be transformed in grace, the pieces of our life will continue to fit together. On the other hand, if the examination of our life is rooted in the world rather than the Spirit we will find that we are examining ourselves according to the world’s standards. We will be mired in the world’s standards of success. We will be trapped by the world’s standards of life and wealth. The world’s standards are at odds with God’s standards. To examine our life according the world’s standards rather than the Spirit’s grace we will be rendered a hollow shell, perhaps beautiful on the outside, but empty on the inside.

2006-04-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Taking a Step Back to Reflect
Lifting up the faith of Abraham is a common preaching theme in the church. I suspect it has been from the time that Paul used Abraham’s faith as a teaching tool in his letters. I’ve always marveled in the Abraham story. Who wouldn’t; after all there is something compelling about the story of a person advancing in years, picking up and moving to a foreign land at the request of a voice (or a God) that he had not previously known, with only a promise (whose fulfillment was suspect from the start given the nature of biology and the world) to hold on to. What an incredible story this is. The promise of God’s ongoing presence with Abraham and Sarah grows and blossoms over 25 years. As their faith grows, God reveals more and more of the nature of their covenantal relationship and pieces come more and more into place. However, the pinnacle of the promise is yet to be fulfilled. The son promised to them is not yet born. Then, as if to leave no mistake as to where the child comes from, when it seems that train has forever left the station, the son Isaac is born. Abraham and Sarah remained faithful, though not perfectly faithful they always came back to the path and the promises that guided them for so many years was fulfilled. Their faith was vindicated. As powerful a story as this is, I never really understood it as my story.
That changed this week. The Abraham story is my story…In fact; I truly believe that it is our story. I’m convinced now that Paul recognized Abraham’s faith not that it is a paragon of faith, the pinnacle of what we seek to achieve, but it is where we all begin with God. When I first began to wrestle with my call to ordination I didn’t trust it. Twice in 5 months I had recognized that God was trying to get my attention and even could have been calling me to ordination and yet each of these experiences came from very deep emotional events. At the moment, the emotion cluttered my discernment and I determined that God wasn’t calling me. About six weeks after the second call, I heard the sound of God’s voice in no uncertain terms. In that moment it was as if all of my previous life plans had never really existed. It wasn’t a thunder and lightning experience but it was nonetheless crystal clear. At that moment I could only say “yes” and I made a prayer of faith. God I know you won’t lead me astray…I trust you. What was striking was that there was nothing about my previous faith and understanding that provided what you might call a “rational basis” for answering that call. I knew God. I was growing in my faith in Christ. But those faith relationships were superficial at best. There was nothing in my relationship that would have made it rational or logical for me to turn away from my plans and my path and to follow what God had for me. And yet, that is exactly what I did. And now, twenty four years later I have no doubt that I made the right and faithful choice. Moreover, I have no regrets. Abraham’s story is my story.
Abraham’s story is our story, too. When God calls us to serve in different ways in God’s Kingdom what it takes to answer the call is not perfect faith. God does not expect perfect understanding (i.e. a graduate degree in theology). What God asks of us is the willing to trust. We have the extraordinary opportunity to step out in faith and trust not knowing where our next step will lead us, but being confident enough to know that wherever our foot lands, God will be there.

2006-03-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

Learning to Roll with the Cyclical Nature of the Spiritual Life
A couple of weeks ago I found myself with a little extra time before a meeting and I did my morning devotion at Torrance State Beach (which incidentally is 3 blocks from my first appointment after seminary). I’d just driven through early morning Los Angeles/Orange County traffic to get there. I had to get up early to make sure I made the meeting on time. It was shaping up to be one of those days.
As I began my usual routine I was very much looking forward to my time with the Lord, but I could feel that my heart was heavy and I didn’t feel as though I had much energy. It was a down time. I have these times before. I think everyone has. Our spiritual mothers and fathers have used phrases like “dry”, “wilderness experience” and even the “dark night of the soul” to describe these experiences. There is something that is natural about these downturns in our spiritual life. When I’ve had these periods before, it was natural for me to have one or two days of this down part in the cycle quickly turn into four or five days (or more). Once one of these down slopes started I usually couldn’t stop them until I hit some sort of natural bottom. I’d fight against the feelings of dryness. I’d feel guilty for the feelings of malaise. I would allow these spiritual down times to weigh like an anchor around my soul. I just didn’t know another way.
As I sat at the beach that morning, I could feel that same feeling of malaise and dryness starting to creep into my life. Somewhere though, in the fog of my spirit, I could feel that there was a difference. As I sat watching the waves roll into the sand and then recede I remembered the classic piece of Christian prose we know as “Footprints”. I remembered my very recent experiences of being carried by God. I remembered the feelings of holding the risen Christ by the hand. The feelings of malaise didn’t evaporate…I guess I really didn’t expect them to…but I was no longer freaked out or afraid of them. I wasn’t fearful of any kind of prolonged experience. I knew…I just knew that I wouldn’t walk through this period of dryness alone. I knew that this period was not marked by an absence of God’s presence. On the contrary, I knew that I would have a constant companion through this time. I knew that Jesus would lead me through this time. I was able to engage a deeper level of trust as I moved forward in faith. This continues to be a profound realization for me. It is easy to trust God when things are going well. Trust has a profoundly different quality when it is engaged in the face of adversity or failure. I know that as long as I keep my eyes on Christ He will lead me.
The last ten days have had a wide variety of challenges…some of my own making and others that have been thrust into my life…but through it all, I’m learning to trust in ways I never have before. The foundation of this knew learning has come as I’ve been able to learn how to see, experience and grow in my ability to find God in silence. I’ve always know that God was never far from me. In these last few months I’ve learned to live into that truth.

2006-03-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

So What Happens When We Get Distracted?

There was no doubt that things were changing in my life, my spirit and my ministry. In September, after the first week of the Two Year Academy, my spiritual horizons expanded exponentially. I had no doubt that God was powerfully at work in these changes and I was excited for them. The energy of these fresh spiritual experiences did last, however, in the face of life, schedule and the normal “stuff” of the human condition the energy did wane. The desire to continue to grow, explore and extend these changes was strong; however something quite predictable happened. Previously scheduled and planned for events, emerging crises, illnesses and the normal elements of leading in a large ministry setting began to exercise their power. As much as I tried to stay focused on establishing new patterns of work, new approaches to ministry and new approaches to spiritual formation and practice, the push of the routine and the urgent knocked out the underpinnings of even my best effort.
As I stated above, the desire to grow on this new trajectory was always there, but what I discovered is that it was still very easy to be distracted. The inertia of life was a more formidable force in my life than I realized. Before I knew it I had fallen back into old habits, old patterns of thought and old patterns of organizing my ministry and life. This backsliding created something of a spiritual struggle for me. It wasn’t a cataclysmic struggle; but it did shake me up. I began to understand Paul’s lament that “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” In spite of my best desires, I struggled over this conflict for a few weeks.
Over this period of weeks, I began to realize that even though the experiences of the first week of the Academy that were so life changing for me were indeed a gift from God, true transformation would only come when I claimed the gifts (just as I was claimed by them). Through the work of intentionally adjusting my habits of spiritual discipline, including the work of attending to my spirit independently of my vocation, the seeds that God had sown began to take root more deeply. In my battle with distractions, life and the ordinary diversions began to turn. Day by day, and sometimes even moment by moment the more I was able to turn my eyes to what the Lord was doing in my life, the broader my vision for life and ministry became.
Through this very intentional work of spiritual formation I’ve discovered one of the more interesting paradoxes of my life. A singular focus on God isn’t an escape from the world. It isn’t the act of a hermit seeking to remove the stain of a broken world. As I have learned to live in a more focused way, my view of the world, my life and my ministry have been expanded. I feel like I see more and understand more of the world and my calling as a result of keeping my eyes focused on God.
Do I still get distracted from time to time…yes? Do I still feel the pull to old habits and patterns…you bet? What is different now is that I can recognize these distractions more quickly and I’ve learned my way home. I may still find myself off the path from time to time, but I do know my way back.

Peace,
J.T.

2006-02-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

Images of Intimacy with Jesus

Have you ever had times in your life at which you were comfortable with what you knew about life or faith; and then have that comfort shaken by ideas that were so striking, so compelling as to carry you to depths of faith that you never knew were possible? In moments such as these our perception of the universe expands. We realize that we are living in a much larger world. We also realize that the possibilities of experiencing the presence of the risen Christ are much broader than we ever thought possible.

I’ve shared in the past weeks my thoughts and experiences of learning to be with God in silence. These learnings and experiences have borne very sweet and plentiful fruit in my life and ministry. One of the most meaningful parts of that learning is that spiritual formation is not a narrow path made up of a singular thread that must be meticulously followed in order to be meaningful. I’ve learned that spiritual formation is a broad path with a smorgasbord of experiences that will be meaningful to us regardless of our personality type, life experience and personal preference.

One of the new experiences of spiritual formation that has been opened to me is the use of icons. For centuries, the Eastern Orthodox tradition has used icons as a source of spiritual practice and devotion. I know very little about the tradition (still something I need to learn), but what I do know is that the use of icons exposes one to images that draw us deeper into understanding the nature of our relationship with Jesus. There is one particular icon to which I’ve been drawn. This image is a representation of the nature of the relationship I seek to have with Jesus. The image is the Theotokos of Vladimir.

The Theotokos of Vladimir is also known as the Virgin of Vladimir. It is an important image in the Russian Orthodox Church and the icon itself is on display at the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. At face value it seems like simply one more representation of the Virgin Mary with the Christ child. However as you look closer there emerges an image that has captured my spirit. First, if you look at the Virgin’s left hand, she is not holding the child; she seems to be pointing toward him, as if to offer him. In my life and ministry that is what I seek to do…offer Christ. Second, the position of their faces is striking. There is a powerful closeness. In fact, the Virgin is so close to the Christ child that she would breathe His every breath. She is so close that she is breathing in the very Spirit of Christ.

This is the image that motivates me. In my life, in my devotion and in my ministry I want that kind of closeness…that kind of intimacy. I want to be close enough to Christ to breathe His Spirit. As I worship, as I engage in my devotional practices, as I preach, as I teach, as I live and as I breathe; this is my hope. This is my deepest longing.

2006-02-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

Crisp Around the Edges

It took something significant to get my attention…to break me out of the rut that I had created for myself as a response to the circumstances around me. Last July I was finishing (or near the end) of the most challenging three years of my ministry. Through this time the church went through significant and sometimes challenging staff changes, we were trying to get a much needed Sanctuary expansion project off the ground and completed and the church experienced an unprecedented number of serious illnesses (mostly cancer) and death. I was on the go constantly and with extraordinary commitment from the whole church we saw each of these challenges through. These experiences took a toll on my spirit. I won’t say that it was bad or worse yet awful, because even through the most difficult times I could see God’s hand sustain me and the people around me. Even in the experiences of the Pit, I knew that I wasn’t there alone. Still it took every ounce of spiritual, physical and emotional energy to get through it.

Through this time I did everything I knew how to do to take care of myself. Self care for Clergy is big in my Annual Conference and with my Superintendent; I knew enough to take it seriously, especially with what I was going through. I would take my day off each week. I continued to take continuing education when I could. I took all of the vacation that I was entitled to and I even gave up some preaching time. Yet the toll on my spirit and body was the worst I’d experienced. Physically, I began to experience mild symptoms that led to testing and treatment for early stages of an ulcer. I’m happy to say that this all turned out well. Spiritually, by the grace of God, I was muddling my way through. Thankfully I didn’t really know how cooked I was until after the Sanctuary was completed and I started a four week (pre-planned vacation). It took the distance away from the pressures of the church to realize just how tired and cooked I had become. After two weeks of decompressing in Hawaii, God brought me to a startling realization.

Through all of this period of life stress I did try and remain consistent with spiritual disciplines. I prayed, did regular devotions and journaled but too often it seemed as though I was just going through the motions. What God helped me to see was that every prayer, every worship, every journal entry had something to do with being Pastor J.T.. Even in my time alone with God I had become too consumed by my calling. Pastor J.T. may have been muddling through the circumstances, but the person underneath the calling was getting pretty well fried. I was so caught up, seemingly by necessity, in being Pastor J.T. that underneath it all J.T. wasn’t being fed. I realized that there was very little left for my ministry to stand upon.
It was at this point that I was ready to hear and ready to learn. This unleashed a week of prayer and quiet. I let go of the calling that had come to define my life so that God could heal, renew and transform the person that God had called into ordained ministry in the first place so that I might pick it up again as a whole and renewed person.

It was this experience of renewal, this readiness that God used to call me to the Academy for Spiritual Formation. While the experiences of transformation that I’ve undergone as a result of my Academy learning have begun to spill over into my ministry, it isn’t because the Academy is meant to be (at least for me) a vocation building experience. The transformation of my ministry is a result of how deeply these experiences have rooted themselves in my life. I know that through these experiences God’s grace has burrowed more deeply into my life than I ever conceived possible. It is because of the fruit that grace has born that I am changed and my ministry is changed.

Peace,
J.T.

2006-02-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

Learning Silence

After years of toying with forms of silence, including meditation and contemplative prayer, I finally began to understand the nature of silence in prayer. I believe that I did understand the concepts behind meditation and contemplative prayer. What I didn’t understand was the true nature of the silence that rests beneath these forms of prayer.

One of the things that I need to say about myself is that I am an off the chart extrovert. I love social situations. I love being with people. I get energized by being in the crowd. As an extrovert I’ve routinely struggled with the singular practices of personal spiritual formation. From the time that I was in seminary, I’ve cycled through times of effective spiritual formation and long periods of personal dryness in my spirit. Thankfully, even during the periods of personal dryness, my passion for my own ministry and my commitment to my own sense of God’s call and claim on my life were not diminished. Through my years of ministry I’d come to understand and believe that spiritual formation is as much about what God does through our spiritual practices as it is about the practices themselves. I knew that my prayers for others and myself were more than prayers for intercession and petition. I knew that God’s grace flowed back through that channel to heal, guide, shape and transform me. Out of this understanding I’ve sought to understand more deeply Paul’s admonition to “pray without ceasing.” I’ve been learning to live more and more in the constant awareness of God’s presence in my life.

With the progress that I’d made in my spiritual journey, there were still missing pieces. There were still holes in my understanding. In the weeks to come I’ll share more about some of the experiences of the last year through which I discovered where the holes were.

Back to silence. The very next week after my first week at the Academy for Spiritual Formation (where I had learned to experience God in silence) I was right back into my regular routine. This was a routine that fit my extroverted personality and style. It was go, go, go. What I could not have anticipated was the surprise that I was in for in that first week. In the midst of an on the go week I found my self craving the silence and quiet time with God! Me…the ultimate extrovert…I couldn’t wait to be alone with God. In one short week at the Academy I discovered how much I needed silence with God. I discovered how much I needed to be with God. The seeking of silence with God became more than a spiritual discipline, more than one more thing to do; the seeking of silence with God was quickly becoming part of my very being.

What I’ve learned about silence has transformed my life, my spirit and my ministry. One of the myths that I had regarding silence is that it is a void. I was under the fallacious understanding that silence was all about absence. In essence, I was under the assumption that silence was a negative. I was constantly thwarted by my inability to experience the void, the absence, the negative that I assumed silence to be. What God has shown me is that silence in prayer is not about void; it is about fullness. It is not about absence; it is about presence. It is not about the absence of sound; it is about the sound of God’s voice in our hearts when we intentionally seek God’s presence. For an extrovert, who enjoys the experience of the crowd, I found in silence the biggest and best crowd of them all. I have had experiences of God’s presence throughout my life, yet none of them could compare to the depth of God’s presence that I’ve begun to experience through seeking out God in silence. A brand new pilgrimage has indeed begun for me. God is leading me and I can’t wait to see what God will show me next.

Peace,
J.T.

2006-02-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

Learning to Listen

As I approached my 43rd birthday and was well into my 17th year of serving a local parish as an ordained pastor I was under no illusion that I had my act completely together. I could see holes in my life, my vocation and my spirit. Knowing that growth in the Spirit is a pilgrimage that takes a lifetime I was satisfied that I was in a generally good place. I had learned to give up nearly everything that might stand between me and God. What I hadn’t yet learned to give up was the sound of my own voice and my own thoughts.

I suppose you could say that this would be an occupational hazard for a preacher. After all, isn’t that what we get paid for? Aren’t we expected to be able to talk at length about a variety of subjects maintaining the myth that we know more than we actually do? While this skill may be valued in the parish; in my own heart and relationship with God I discovered that it was an enormous stumbling block. It was an obstacle to experiencing God more deeply in prayer. I’ve always known that it is important to take time in prayer and listen to God. We can get so caught up in petitioning, but if we don’t stop talking long enough, even God has a rough time getting through. The reality is that I had rarely experienced silence as an ongoing and vital part of my devotional life with God. I tried my hand at contemplative prayer, with no instruction or context, but it always seemed that there were pieces missing.

Then I experienced silence. Through a series of events (which I’m sure I’ll share in the weeks to come) I found myself attending the Two Year Academy for Spiritual Formation. This is an experience that I will attend once a quarter, for a week at a time through the summer of 2007. The Academy is sponsored by the Upper Room, a division of the United Methodist Church. It involves seminar teaching in and about the area of spiritual formation, worship (including Eucharist), time for reflection, covenant groups and silence…lots and lots of silence. I was spiritually ready for the challenge, but I had no idea what I was really in for.
In one of the first hour long experiences of silence I decided to walk the labyrinth that was on the grounds of the retreat center. I went into the silence with a specific idea to consider and reflect upon (one that had been assigned by one of our presenters) and as I began to walk the labyrinth I began to have one of my usual conversations with God. I made an effort to let God get a word in, but not many. Then I heard it…”Be still and know that I am God.” COOL! I have had experiences where I know that I’d heard the voice of God, so this experience wasn’t a total shock. In my excitement I proceeded with the conversation then it happened again…”Be still and know that I am God.” Just as clear as the first time. Now I was really excited. I was ready to launch back into the conversation with renewed gusto when I heard it a third time…”Be still and know that I am God.”

Now I get it…Now I understand what silence in prayer is all about. In that moment I was able to let go the sound of my own voice, my own thoughts, my own agenda in prayer and let God show the way. That was the grand beginning of the journey that I will share in the weeks to come.

Peace,
J.T.