A Fresh Look at My Journey

My postings have been pretty sparse in recent months. Three months ago, during Week 5 of my Academy experience I was confronted with a truth about myself and my family that shook me to the core. For years I knew that my family was dysfunctional and that the bulk of the dysfunction orbited my dad. I had made assumptions about why my dad lived and related the way he did, but three months ago those assumptions came crashing down.

With the help of a trusted friend who is a therapist, I was able to recognize that my dad presents the classic behavior of a serious personality disorder. As I read more about the disorder, learned that it was largely volitional and looked more closely at the impact that being brought up in that environment had on me I became increasingly angry. I was angry at my dad and I was angry with myself. I saw significant chunks of my life, my relationships and my ministry adversely impacted by my choices and fears that were shaped by the influence of my dad and his disorder.

I was hurting in ways that I had never hurt before. I knew that I needed to be healed. Through my experiences in the Academy I could sense God at work bringing that healing. I had expectations of what I wanted it to be. As I shared my expectations of God's healing with a trusted colleague and friend, little did I know that by morning's end it would all change. The following is my journal entry from that life-changing morning.

“I had hoped for and prayed for an experience of healing that would provide me with a safe place to stand. As I have opened myself to grace I was still setting terms. I could sense that God was going to do a new thing in me this week. I hoped it would be something that would help me get over the anger that I still harbor toward Dad. I hoped I could learn forgiveness of self for the ways that I still act out of his example and influence. I was looking for a safe place to stand so that I could do battle with the demons of my past that are still bound to pop up from time to time. Then came the question: ‘Where have you experienced grace?’

The grace came when I realized that God did not fulfill my hope…but God did answer my prayer. I was looking for a quick resolution for something that developed in a lifetime. I suppose, at least subconsciously, I was looking to avoid the hard work of healing and transformation. In the end, I was looking to be set free from the pattern of avoidance that perpetuated the problem from which I needed to be healed. OUCH! Thanks God!!

Healing is not a place to stand that provides an advantageous battle ground. The answer to my prayer is the acceptance that the healing I seek is part of my lifetime journey of faith. It is a journey in which grace is my constant companion. It is a journey taken with a community of caring and accountability. It is a journey of vulnerability during which I won’t be able to count on having the most advantageous ground to fight from when the demons come. Therefore it is fundamentally a journey of trust. This is a journey I can take, not because of any particular ability that I possess. I take this journey without the benefit of a map. I take this journey with no pretense of leadership or control. I take this journey willing to take God’s hand and be led.”